t minus 3 days

sorry that should read tb minus 3 days.

I was kind of sad a few days ago when I opened my tb pills and there were just 5 left. I was going to make a tb minus 5 days post because that is a better number to post about, but I was coughing too vigorously to make it to the computer. I wonder why I have such a bad cough. I am sure it is nothing serious.

bizarrely, however, my special tb vitamin cocktail that I am to take in conjunction with my tb pills has significantly more than 3 pills left. I received the exact same number of each, if manufacturer labels are to be believed. maybe mila has been grinding tb pills in with my meals to try and counteract my threats to stop taking my pills because it would be kind of sweet to have a reportable disease.

workplace quandary

at work I have to wash my hands before going in to watch (by watch I mean direct my underlings, do some cutting, generally run the show) each case. there are two choices of soap. one is the classic iodine. it's the yellow foamy stuff, which I assume is what you would see on ER and the like, but I do not watch those shows so this is really little more than conjecture. anyway, it is pretty classic. we are talking big 5urg30n cred. but there is also some new fangled soap, which is just like normal hand soap but decidedly less aromatic. I do find it gentler on the skin vis a vis the iodine but if I use the former I lose the iodocred. as you can see it is rather a massive dilemma that I have on my hands here (FINE! I WILL WRITE FOR YOU, NEW YORKER). yet such are the decisions I must make each and every day. life is complicated.

hooked on insane

every time I watch this video I see something new. for instance, I did not realize david was singing at a wedding. THERE ARE ALSO TWO SPECIAL BONUS DASCHUND SCENES. TOTAL OF THREE DASCHUNDS. actually mila spotted them, I guess I was distracted by the special effects.

MY MIND IS EXPLODING. WHY DID REGIS EVER HIRE YOU?

p.s. I am not proud that I just posted three times as a direct result of my watching america's got talent. in fact I am ashamed. big shame.

david hasselhoff stop it

david just because you once bit into a raw salmon and rode a flying sled you are still not qualified to judge a talent show. futhermore just because you are sitting next to brandy you do not have ghetto cred, so stop it right now and take off your leather coat.

reeeeegis

why are you hosting the worst reality talent show I have ever seen? why can I not stop watching this show?

flipping awesome

scene: dumplings in skillet
killer move: TEXTBOOK PAN JERK BY YOURS TRULY

we were cooking dumplings for dinner, and the bottoms were nice and brown but the tops had not yet seen the heat. break out the tongs and give each one a flip? this is not amateur hour, that is not how things go down here. I just grabbed the pan and gave it a little wrist, a little arm and those dumplings were flipped faster than ramsay's mouth in the middle of service. I really feel like I connected with this technique tonight, so I wanted to share.

p.s. that is right, london, you heard me. asian dumplings. can you handle that?

50th blog post anniversary

okay do not get excited this is just number 47 or something. but I just saw oprah's 20th anniversary show and it was sweet she had so many celebs and big surprises and great moments I MEAN SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS SHOW "OPRAH" I DO NOT WATCH THIS KIND OF DRIVEL JUST ELLEN.

so anyway when my 50th post comes around I want a big blog party with a-list celebs and car giveaways.

rocking the mullet

some time last year I think, though it may have been earlier this year, I tried to grow a mullet. I am somewhat surprised at myself that I cannot remember when I tried to grow a mullet because it was pretty much the highlight of my life for the few short weeks it lasted.

methods and materials:
1) student/eleve scissors. they are bilingual scissors because they are from canada. they are intended for paperwork and light crafts. however, I find they do a rather nice job with hair.
2) long hair

first, cut your hair short on the top, front and sides. there are no more steps because we are trying to grow a mullet.
allow your hair to grow, then repeat the first step. I will allow that this very instruction could be interpreted as a second step, but I am not one to pad my work by calling it a two step procedure when it is in fact really just a one step. in fact, I believe I repeated the procedure thrice. but I have scruples and so hold firm at a one step.

results:
kind of just looked like I had cut the top of my hair but forgotten the back. which I guess is maybe an authentic mullet style, but I wanted more of a euromullet, for which I think I needed professional help.

further research:
I tried to raise the issue of getting a euromullet when I was getting my hair cut once but she kind of just laughed so I laughed along as though the whole thing was one outrageous joke. HAHAHA BUT IT WAS NOT A JOKE I WAS VERY SERIOUS ABOUT A MULLET AND YOU CRUSHED MY DREAMS.

living the dream

a couple weeks ago I was at jk wine bar with mila for dinner. some brisket poutine, a peameal bacon sandwich, you know, that is just how we rock it in the t-dot. we were sitting at the chef's bar because we are vip's and also because everyone sits at the chef's bar at this restaurant. or else they sit at the wine bar for which the restaurant is aptly named. so we were sitting at the chef's bar, generally chilling with tobey. tobey is the chef there, and I just used her first name to insinuate that I am fairly firmly plugged into the chef scene. as an aside, that would be quite a misleading insinuation, since I was not at all familiar with tobey prior to this evening.

being at the chef's bar you get to hear all the chef banter. including my favourite live piece of chef banter ever that I have heard so far. one of the servers actually yelled an order out to the kitchen, and then followed it up with "so that's three short ribs ALL DAY." now clearly this does not sound at all exciting, nor does it probably make any sense. first let me tell you that I read a lot of chef books in which they throw around chef jargon like so much grade b foie. so it is really exciting for me to hear this jargon in real life. for the uninitiated, this choice turn of phrase really just means "in total," as in "I am ordering one order of short ribs but I had previously ordered two so now there are three short ribs in total." I am not quite sure why they say "all day" instead of "in total" or even just "total" because it does not really seem to save any time but I guess it is cool and if I were a chef I would use it too because it is awesome.

wow this really does not sound exciting. but I promise that it was a really sweet moment when I heard those words escape out of the kitchen into my (you know it) bionic ears.

hello penguin books

I am sitting here with my blogger screen open wondering what I should write about. I am compelled on one hand to post because I read something that says you need to post regularly to get sweet readership. and since I am just in this for the book deal, I need to hit some big numbers here so I can show them to all the editors when they come calling and use them as leverage for bigger cuts of the international sales.

I am however not very moved by any of the ideas that have come into my head. well, there is a sweet cuff style I would like to post about, but I think I should wait because it would be insane if I had two picture posts in the span of days. INSANE!

I hope I get an illustrated book so that I can include my pictures. perhaps I should start taking more photographs of myself so that they can have lots of material for the pictures section. I will probably take them in paparazzi-style because then people will assume by the extreme zoom and slight graininess that I am famous.

p.s. penguin books I chose you because you have the best logo of all the publishers I googled. I will give you right of first refusal on my book. but how could anyone refuse?

I am watching the sun rise

I just saw my computer's clock flip from 5:59 to 6:00. I hope to never see it again. unless, of course, the time is flipping from ellen to the news. that is pm folks. and I barely even like to see that, because I hate it when ellen is over.

also I am watching the sun rise. common misconception: it is a thing of beauty. truth:

okay my brain just switched off there, I do not know what I was going to write. I really have no idea where I was going with that. suffice it to say it would have been quite poignant and witty. that is to say a rare ray of sun in the predawn light of my blog? oh god what did I just write, I need to go back to bed. I DO NOT THINK THAT WAS EVEN ENGLISH. WHY IS THERE A G IN POIGNANT ANYWAY?

literary device of the day: simile

I am so ashamed to admit that my blog has become like a patchy beard. i.e. my blog has become patchy. i.e. sometimes I go entire days without posting.

speaking of poor facial hygiene, I saw that al gore movie last night. he was so sweaty. at first I thought that his producers were rather sloppy and just forgot to blot him or something, but then I realized it was probably a subtle demonstration of global warming. I am on to you al gore.

my most astounding realization that came from the al gore movie: there is no more hole in the o-zone layer. I do not really believe that. it is such a classic, how could it be gone. maybe it will come back soon, sporting hammer pants and a mullet.

p.s. did I tell you about the time I tried to grow a mullet?

style update

big news, today I am starting a photoblog. I think there is a catchy term for photoblogs. perhaps photog but I think that is someone who takes photographs for a photoblog, or perhaps just photos in general. so maybe phoblog but I am not running a vietnamese noodle shop here, so maybe not.

my first picture is my dream collar. my close friend ralph (lauren, nee lifschitz) likes to call it the keaton. some other people make them as well. they often go by more mundane names, like extreme cut-away, or if you want to get jaunty with a little bit of curve, a wide spread sharkfin. AS IF YOU COULD CONSIDER X-TREME SHARKFINZ MUNDANE! AS IF!

as you appreciate the very first picture I have ever posted on my blog, please enjoy how the collar points are almost resting on the shoulder seams. revel in the outrageous near-180 degree spread of the collar. salivate over ralph's audacious choice of tie knot. without ado:

guess who else makes this collar though? BIG UPS TO HK TAILOR! he will make anything because he is a CUSTOM TAILOR. I will probably just email him some of my favourite versions of this collar which I have been accumulating on my computer for some time.

now for my second photo of life, a side view. profile view if you prefer. just try not to bask in the glorious REVERSE FLOW of this collar:

THE COLLAR IS GOING BACKWARDS. THAT IS SO BOLD! I CANNOT HANDLE ANY MORE OF THIS RECKLESSNESS FOR TODAY. I AM GOING TO GO TO WORK NOW.

diva

you may have gleaned from previous comments that I have a familial relationship to two people with hearing loss. you may have also noticed an abstruse reference to a 'diva'. if you wish to understand read on. otherwise I would suggest browsing ebay for some birkenstocks in my size (42 regular) and letting me know if you find any good deals because I am in the market. thanks in advance TIA@@!!

both my parents have hearing loss. they are not even that old. I mean my mom enjoys the gentle banter on classical 96.3 fm (well, bart, it looks like autumn is on the way. sure is, david. I saw some trees changing colour on my cycle in this morning. wow, bart, that sounds like a wonderful bicycle ride. now let's hear some classical guitar OH MY GOD THEY ARE EVEN MORE INANE THAN THAT. I CANNOT PRODUCE INANE ENOUGH BANTER TO SIMULATE THOSE TWO SQUARES.) and my dad considers the day half gone if you are not awake by 7 am. but still, they are not that old.

one day there was a free hearing clinic and they had nothing better to do so they just decided to go. the clinic told them they both had hearing loss. the clinic was run by a place that sold hearing aids but that is okay because my parents are reasonable people and would only get hearing aids when they are actually old. WRONG MY PARENTS WENT HEARING AID CRAZY. THEY LOVE HEARING AIDS. for a good month they would talk about nothing other that what kind of hearing loss they had, what brand of hearing aid they were going to get, their most recent visit to the audiologist, what kind of training you need to become an audiologist, how my sister should become an audiologist and so on.

anyway, my mother's hearing aid is called the diva. the brochure has pictures of happy 30somethings gallivanting about and generally hearing things, I suppose. I forgot the name of my dad's hearing aid, it is rather more sedate and technical, but I am sure if you ask him he will tell you all about it.

in fact, if you have seen my parents since they got hearing aids I can guarantee you that they will have shown you their respective audiological devices and told you all about them. they are both rather proud of them. if you want to ingratiate yourself with them, I would suggest enquiring about their hearing aids, much like one would ask whether someone had lost weight, or had just been down south.

believe me I find this as bizarre as you, dear reader, do.

this is the dawning of the age of solarium

I cannot post so much during the middle of the day in the summer. sorry. it is because my office is what is called a solarium. I am not really sure what is meant by that. my best guess is that solarium means a very small room with no obvious function, but with windows! also included in the definition, perhaps, is that there are no airconditioning vents in here. so it gets really toasty. I would twist the blinds shut, but then my cactus would not get enough sun. so instead I sit in here, dripping with sweat, croaking to mila that if I pass out due to dehydration that I wish to be an organ donor, and that she should mention to the donor people that they could probably get a premium for my ears.

anyway, whenever I complain about the diminutive size of my office or the smothering heat, mila just sings the theme song for this room, which coincidentally has the same tune as aquarius. except it just has a chorus. the lyrics for the chorus are "solaaarium." I guess that should read lyric. mila just sings the same word over and over again until my hand has fused with my mouse and steam starts rising from my glass of cold water. glass of futility more like it. if you need proof that glass is a liquid, just come to my office and observe (ACTUALLY that is a big lie, I am very much dubious of the fact that glass is a liquid, since it has never melted even in my officelarium)

in other news, mila has started the search for a chair for the sitting area in her office.

bionic man

yes I am a bionic man. I am sure some of you have long suspected this due to my superhuman feats of strength. but this time we are talking about my bionic ear. this is not a joke. no offence guys but I think I have superior high frequency hearing.

have any of you been to the shoppers at bloor and spadina? over by the cash registers, and extending into the candy aisle, ending near the photo counter there is the most painful high frequency whine. very high frequency. it makes my jaw hurt. I think they probably have it there to deter rodents, but it seems they forgot to consider that some of their human customers have BIONIC EARS. me and my murine friends can all hear it, loud and clear. can anyone else hear it, or am I insane? INSANELY BIONIC that is.

he works hard for the money

so you may have noticed that I used to post a lot. that is because I started this blog during exams. clearly there is no better time to write post after post of simon miscellany than while I am supposed to be learning about diabetes. diabetes is quite frankly a bit of a snooze. blah blah blah insulin blah blah blah glucose blah blah blah pancreas. p.s. (I am pretty sure that is german for "unrelated note in the middle of a blog post") I have a sudden intense craving for gummies.

gummy currently being enjoyed by simon (obnoxious hello kitty style icon of my mood, I mean gummies): sour coke bottles and sour blue and red REAL FRUIT JUICE GUMMIES oh god I am such a health nut, it is crazy sometimes how healthy I am. REAL FRUIT JUICE!

well, moral of the story. I did not really have anything to do the past while, so consequently I did have anything to push aside while I blogged. therefore not as many blogs. same deal now. well actually I am working now, as you may have gathered. but el jefe is away at a conference so it is kind of like I do not have to work if I do not feel like it, so there is no reason to blog. maybe when il capitano returns I will resume blogging a gajillion times every day. just sayin, maybe, do not get excited.

q.e.d. (I am fairly confident that q.e.d. is french for "if you are my boss I am actually working right now JOURNALS SCIENCE ELBOWS RESEARCH")

most shocking blog post yet

if you read only one blog post on this weblog, this should be it.

I have always watched tv and wondered who would fall for those lines where the powerhouse baritone thunders about how next week's show has unbelievable twists and astounding new developments. who actually watches a new sitcom because the humourous tenor proclaims it to be the funniest new show on television? well I have found the person that those voiceovers are reaching out to. that person is mila.

I am not joking. every week she would demand that I remind her when house is on, because they told her it would be a mindblowing episode that she simply could not miss. she would then miss that week's episode, but the trailer for next week would say that it was even more outrageous than ever, and mila would again be pumped for next week's show. rinse and repeat (which I should have mentioned in my shampoo post. what a sham, who has such dirty hair?).

does anyone remember 'everyone loves brian' or some show like that? no, probably not. I am pretty sure it was cancelled because it was terrible. it might still be languishing in some 3rd tier time slot, but my guess is that it was cancelled. anyway mila insisted on watching it because the ads all said it would be the best new show on the boob tube (I hate myself for just writing that). I am fairly certain that she even wrote down the time of the premiere in her day planner so that she would not miss it. that is okay though because mila introduced me to ellen, which is great because ellen d. is hilarious and has sweet style a lot of times (I wrote ellen d. not because I am all ghetto fabulous but because I am bad at spelling and I could not figure out how to spell her last name).

p.s. I just realized that ellen has pretty lousy initials. if she had a home decor magazine I would have to drop a veto on the monogramming everything that is not nailed down DO NOT WORRY OPRAH IT IS COOL WHEN YOU DO IT YOU HAVE A W IN YOUR MONOGRAM WHICH IS UNIQUE AND CLASSY.
p.p.s. I put weblog in at the start just to check out the dictionary. you do not get personal service like that just anywhere, I will have you know. anyway that is a negative on weblog, repeat, negative on weblog. 10-4. alpha tango. simon over and out.

I love dictionaries but not blogger's dictionary

my earliest readers (dear ed, do not even start with me) may remember that I could not figure out blogger's spell check. I am a pretty quick study, so I picked it up after only a few weeks of blogging. if you want to hire me for your internet startup, that is cool, but I am pretty expensive.

anyway, blogger's dictionary does not contain the word 'blog'. shoddy. (blogger, that means "of poor quality or craft." mmhmm, you heard me.)

goodnight blog?

I often find that I want to post a quick goodnight blog post. but then I wonder if it is kind of weird for a number of reasons:

first, is it just plain odd to post goodnight to some inanimate electronic object?
second, is it weird for all my readers (ed. I think you mean reader) to know that I am going to bed?
third, what if some burglar is stalking me and reads that I am snoozing and takes advantage of my slumber to steal stuff? (for the record I am NOT GOING TO SLEEP YET. I WILL PROBABLY JUST CHILL FOR A WHILE, I MIGHT EVEN HAVE SOME MICROWAVE POPCORN.)