gordon ramsay has standards you know

I was watching hell's kitchen last night. it is a great television program, I suggest you all watch it. things are really heating up as they go into the final five. I smell individual challenges! we got to see the first sparks of creative control last night as the budding chefs ("former deli manager!" "prison cafeteria worker!" gordon how can you give them a restaurant?) got to devise a three course lunch for gordo (chicken roulade stuffed with salami? how did that win it is disgusting and very 90s calital. then again the competing main involved a tomatillo and smoked ancho demiglace which makes it sound like bobby flay was involved. that is never good.) and then later when they got to contribute a few items to the dinner menu.

my highlight, however, was when one of the aspiring restauranteurs flipped g.r. the bird. now, those familiar with the show or with chef ramsay in general are also familiar with his smoking mouth. he is crass. half the show is bleeped out. but gordon was outraged that this fellow should tarnish the hell's kitchen environment with such crude sign language. OUTRAGED! HE SWEARS THE WHOLE SHOW! BIG SWEARS! AND THEN YELLS AT THIS GUY FOR A FINGER! I LOVE IT!

house fly update

to all concerned parties,
the house fly situation seems to be under control.
also our wood surfaces are in prime condition.
the solarium is still a suffocating den of heat.
thanks,
simon

issues in pest control

there are like a million flies in our apartment right now. I killed six flies yesterday with my lightning reflexes, and I also killed a lot just by picking them up because they seem to be a particularly short-lived strain. I do not think I killed any today because they seemed reinvigorated from their night's rest and I was exhausted from chasing them the day before, but then again maybe I did kill one. anyway there are still so many flies here.

where do they come from? our windows are all shut. google says they grow in liquefied garbage, sewage and carrion. that is so gross and we do not have any of that here. absolutely no decomposing carcasses, I am quite sure. yet so many flies.

high irony

I was talking to my brother the other night:

"hey bra"
"hey bra"
"sup?"
"just chillin"
"aight"
"coo"
"so your blog is pretty snobby"
"but it is ironic snob, therefore not snob"
"your argument seems flawed at best"
"you might have noticed that I even critisize myself right under the title, which is ironic in itself"
"but you see, that is the crux of it. the title perfectly reflects the content of the blog, it is not ironic at all"
"whatev, bra"
"lates"

but then I was thinking about it more. where is the snob? I cannot find it. does that mean I have transcended the irony and am now actually living unadulterated snob, and so am blind to it?

I hope so. I MEAN I HOPE NOT. ISN'T IT IRONIC DONTCHA THINK.

p.s. bra do not be mad that I wrote about you.

computer we need to talk

dear computer,
mila's office is maybe 15 feet away. we chat quite comfortably by yelling across the apartment. yet sometimes I also find myself chatting with her on my webcam, texting her on msn, replying to her emails and communicating with her via the comments on this blog. simultaneously. I clearly love computers and the internet. so why do you give me so much spyware? I give you love and you give me popups. that is really not fair, in case you wondered. please start pulling your weight around here. I am not going to sit around here just taking your tude - I have to respect myself, you know.
simon

it is such a fine line between tacky and chic

mila and I go to michaels sometimes and make fun of all the overweight housewives buying ribbon and paper flowers and glue guns for dreadful craft projects they read about in cats magazine.

the only problem is we are there buying stuff too. like the ribbon we bought recently to glue onto a lamp shade. oh please do not let suburbia be rubbing off on me I have to go read a copy of cigar aficionado now.

p.s. I have a brutal case of spyware. just sharing.

medical update

no it is not world tb day. that is march 24 if memory serves me correctly. yes I know that date from memory you should too. but it is simon's end of tb day. well it is not actually end of tb. I am tb+ 4life. but I am all done with my tb pills, so I have as little tb as I will ever have I guess.

in other medical news, mila had her wisdom teeth out. her cheeks are enormous. more enormous than usual that is. she is standing here forcing me to say that she was very brave and that I am a terrible nurse because I had a nap when we got home and she missed her 3 pm tylenol because I was not awake to administer it. no she is not a tween as you may have guessed from a) wisdom tooth extraction and b) dependency on simon the nurse. also c) her dinner of gerber prunes and sweet potato. she does report that they were both delicious.

gerber makes entire meals in one jar. that is just gross. pureed prunes, whatever, that is fine, it is just one food in a different texture. mila even reports that it had a certain high end vibe to it. caribou loin with organic prune compote or something. but turkey, wild rice, vegetable and fruit medley IN ONE JAR ALL PUREED TOGETHER is giving me major voms. equally gross, and outrageously decadent are gerber’s spanish paella and their chicken cacciatore, with appropriate sides, of course. what kind of baby needs that stuff? oh god I hope I had those when I was a baby.

cheese diary

a comment reminded me about my cheese diary and I think I should post about it because it is a really great thing to have and I think some of you might want to start one after you read more about it. it is not a joke and this is not a novelty post because I take my cheese diary very seriously.

it is pretty simple actually. get a classy book. mine is actually not that sweet, it is just a black hardcover notebook, but it is okay for now. mila drew a picture of a mouse and some cheese on the cover so it is at least personalized. if I were to do it again I would probably go for something in leather. now I understand that you might want to go for an exotic leather because cheese is that exciting, but do not go crazy and get python or something because you will have your cheese diary for ever and you need durability here.

now you need to create some sections in your book. I have two. the first is cheeses I would like to try. if someone tells me about a sweet cheese I will write it here. but sometimes people tell me about a sweet cheese and I do not write it here, because that sweet cheese is smoked marbled cheddar or something equally nauseating. the second section is cheeses I have tasted. here you will record the date of the tasting, some basic cheese facts, and your tasting notes. also you should rate the cheese. it took me a while to come up with a rating system but I am very happy with my system now and I would very much recommend it. it is the basic 3 star michelin system. 0 stars is "would not enjoy eating"; 1 star is "would eat if available"; 2 stars is "enjoyable. would buy"; and for the best of the best, 3 stars is "delicious. worth a journey to buy". as a matter of policy I will not award 3 stars on an initial tasting. one has to be conservative with the 3 star cheeses. I find this system provides enough scores for me to choose from while maintaining a tangible difference between the various scores.

for example:

toscanello (0 stars)
tasted july 16, 2005
sheep's milk, firm, italy
dull, muted taste. oily yet dry. inoffensive but unexciting.

if you have any questions about cheese diaries please ask me. also I just realize I ate some cheeses in may that I meant to record but I forgot. that is too bad. I cannot go make entries now because I forget the tasting experience and my scores and tasting notes would be inaccurate. do not taint your cheese diary with unscrupulous entries, you will only regret it. for instance, do not score any cheeses before they are released on the market. that is a killer michelin joke by the way. french michelin once awarded stars to a restaurant that was not even open when the guide was published because the chef bribed them or something. EXTRA FUNNY BECAUSE I EXPLAINED THE JOKE!

masters of heckling

I am going to a masters thesis lecture tomorrow. in case you are wondering no I am not giving it because I have a grand total of zero (0) degrees and I think you need some of those before you can master something. it is in fact my first brush with this variety of academia. and so I have questions. the most pressing is:

do people ever heckle the masters students? I understand it is some sort of defence, but it does not seem like he would have to do much defending unless he had some antagonists. perhaps that is why I was invited, to provide a sufficient amount of academic tension. I WILL BRING MY A GAME, MASTERS STUDENT, DO NOT WORRY.

lowblaws bakery

hello annoying grammarian reader that is not a typo ([upsidedown!]CHISTES! do not stop reading because I cannot afford to lose readers.)

okay I just noticed this. try writing a word or sentence with an exclamation mark. perky! even exclamatory! BUT PUT THE UPSIDEDOWN EXCLAMATION BEFORE IT. now it is like you are in some sort of latin american funhouse. your sentence is no longer just excited, but now it is excited and A MILLION TIMES MORE ZANY. the sentence just put on rainbow striped clown pants and a tuxedo jacket and is flinging exclamation points about from its breast pocket.

wow that had nothing to do with baked goods. heat stroke I blame you.

I always kind of sneered (I do that a lot if you had not noticed. I would say sneering is one of my strengths. a personal forte if you will) at the loblaws bakery stuff. at this point I must pause to ensure everyone understands my rather clever subject line. I added only one letter (w) but in doing so I formed the word "low" to convey my opinion of the loblaws bakery goods. I guess wordplay should also be considered one of my strong suits.

recap: I did not trust some grocery store bakery to produce any carbohydrate worthy of my consumption. so I would go for the designer label stuff. like dempsters (I usually eat it with a side of krug and caviar). but then mila made me try this caraway rye bread they had. and it was pretty good, and decidely less commercial tasting than dempsters et al.

I guess in summary I will now deign to eat the loblaws bread. it is not bad at all. and they also make challa (pronounced "chal" as in challenge and "la" as in trust me, try this at synagogue and everyone will be impressed with your hebrew) which they do not otherwise carry at loblaws, so that is a bonus point.

t minus 3 days

sorry that should read tb minus 3 days.

I was kind of sad a few days ago when I opened my tb pills and there were just 5 left. I was going to make a tb minus 5 days post because that is a better number to post about, but I was coughing too vigorously to make it to the computer. I wonder why I have such a bad cough. I am sure it is nothing serious.

bizarrely, however, my special tb vitamin cocktail that I am to take in conjunction with my tb pills has significantly more than 3 pills left. I received the exact same number of each, if manufacturer labels are to be believed. maybe mila has been grinding tb pills in with my meals to try and counteract my threats to stop taking my pills because it would be kind of sweet to have a reportable disease.

workplace quandary

at work I have to wash my hands before going in to watch (by watch I mean direct my underlings, do some cutting, generally run the show) each case. there are two choices of soap. one is the classic iodine. it's the yellow foamy stuff, which I assume is what you would see on ER and the like, but I do not watch those shows so this is really little more than conjecture. anyway, it is pretty classic. we are talking big 5urg30n cred. but there is also some new fangled soap, which is just like normal hand soap but decidedly less aromatic. I do find it gentler on the skin vis a vis the iodine but if I use the former I lose the iodocred. as you can see it is rather a massive dilemma that I have on my hands here (FINE! I WILL WRITE FOR YOU, NEW YORKER). yet such are the decisions I must make each and every day. life is complicated.

hooked on insane

every time I watch this video I see something new. for instance, I did not realize david was singing at a wedding. THERE ARE ALSO TWO SPECIAL BONUS DASCHUND SCENES. TOTAL OF THREE DASCHUNDS. actually mila spotted them, I guess I was distracted by the special effects.

MY MIND IS EXPLODING. WHY DID REGIS EVER HIRE YOU?

p.s. I am not proud that I just posted three times as a direct result of my watching america's got talent. in fact I am ashamed. big shame.

david hasselhoff stop it

david just because you once bit into a raw salmon and rode a flying sled you are still not qualified to judge a talent show. futhermore just because you are sitting next to brandy you do not have ghetto cred, so stop it right now and take off your leather coat.

reeeeegis

why are you hosting the worst reality talent show I have ever seen? why can I not stop watching this show?

flipping awesome

scene: dumplings in skillet
killer move: TEXTBOOK PAN JERK BY YOURS TRULY

we were cooking dumplings for dinner, and the bottoms were nice and brown but the tops had not yet seen the heat. break out the tongs and give each one a flip? this is not amateur hour, that is not how things go down here. I just grabbed the pan and gave it a little wrist, a little arm and those dumplings were flipped faster than ramsay's mouth in the middle of service. I really feel like I connected with this technique tonight, so I wanted to share.

p.s. that is right, london, you heard me. asian dumplings. can you handle that?

50th blog post anniversary

okay do not get excited this is just number 47 or something. but I just saw oprah's 20th anniversary show and it was sweet she had so many celebs and big surprises and great moments I MEAN SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS SHOW "OPRAH" I DO NOT WATCH THIS KIND OF DRIVEL JUST ELLEN.

so anyway when my 50th post comes around I want a big blog party with a-list celebs and car giveaways.

rocking the mullet

some time last year I think, though it may have been earlier this year, I tried to grow a mullet. I am somewhat surprised at myself that I cannot remember when I tried to grow a mullet because it was pretty much the highlight of my life for the few short weeks it lasted.

methods and materials:
1) student/eleve scissors. they are bilingual scissors because they are from canada. they are intended for paperwork and light crafts. however, I find they do a rather nice job with hair.
2) long hair

first, cut your hair short on the top, front and sides. there are no more steps because we are trying to grow a mullet.
allow your hair to grow, then repeat the first step. I will allow that this very instruction could be interpreted as a second step, but I am not one to pad my work by calling it a two step procedure when it is in fact really just a one step. in fact, I believe I repeated the procedure thrice. but I have scruples and so hold firm at a one step.

results:
kind of just looked like I had cut the top of my hair but forgotten the back. which I guess is maybe an authentic mullet style, but I wanted more of a euromullet, for which I think I needed professional help.

further research:
I tried to raise the issue of getting a euromullet when I was getting my hair cut once but she kind of just laughed so I laughed along as though the whole thing was one outrageous joke. HAHAHA BUT IT WAS NOT A JOKE I WAS VERY SERIOUS ABOUT A MULLET AND YOU CRUSHED MY DREAMS.

living the dream

a couple weeks ago I was at jk wine bar with mila for dinner. some brisket poutine, a peameal bacon sandwich, you know, that is just how we rock it in the t-dot. we were sitting at the chef's bar because we are vip's and also because everyone sits at the chef's bar at this restaurant. or else they sit at the wine bar for which the restaurant is aptly named. so we were sitting at the chef's bar, generally chilling with tobey. tobey is the chef there, and I just used her first name to insinuate that I am fairly firmly plugged into the chef scene. as an aside, that would be quite a misleading insinuation, since I was not at all familiar with tobey prior to this evening.

being at the chef's bar you get to hear all the chef banter. including my favourite live piece of chef banter ever that I have heard so far. one of the servers actually yelled an order out to the kitchen, and then followed it up with "so that's three short ribs ALL DAY." now clearly this does not sound at all exciting, nor does it probably make any sense. first let me tell you that I read a lot of chef books in which they throw around chef jargon like so much grade b foie. so it is really exciting for me to hear this jargon in real life. for the uninitiated, this choice turn of phrase really just means "in total," as in "I am ordering one order of short ribs but I had previously ordered two so now there are three short ribs in total." I am not quite sure why they say "all day" instead of "in total" or even just "total" because it does not really seem to save any time but I guess it is cool and if I were a chef I would use it too because it is awesome.

wow this really does not sound exciting. but I promise that it was a really sweet moment when I heard those words escape out of the kitchen into my (you know it) bionic ears.

hello penguin books

I am sitting here with my blogger screen open wondering what I should write about. I am compelled on one hand to post because I read something that says you need to post regularly to get sweet readership. and since I am just in this for the book deal, I need to hit some big numbers here so I can show them to all the editors when they come calling and use them as leverage for bigger cuts of the international sales.

I am however not very moved by any of the ideas that have come into my head. well, there is a sweet cuff style I would like to post about, but I think I should wait because it would be insane if I had two picture posts in the span of days. INSANE!

I hope I get an illustrated book so that I can include my pictures. perhaps I should start taking more photographs of myself so that they can have lots of material for the pictures section. I will probably take them in paparazzi-style because then people will assume by the extreme zoom and slight graininess that I am famous.

p.s. penguin books I chose you because you have the best logo of all the publishers I googled. I will give you right of first refusal on my book. but how could anyone refuse?