crickets

a few nights ago there were some crickets outside our window (suburbs represent yo). mila and I wondered how they made their noise. I suggested it was their legs rubbing together, but mila insisted it was their wings. wiki said it was their wings. so now mila is mighty smug. that is pretty much the whole story, mila wanted online vindication so I had to blog. I guess since it is my blog I should have just lied and said I thought it was their wings but I am not a liar what can I say?

in an unrelated vein, the station now known as omni 1, how did its jingle used to go? channel 47, cable…? someone here thinks it is “… four” while someone else thinks it is “… fun.” someone the first will cede that the latter version is perhaps a novelty variant of the telemotif, but it is certainly not the classic.

cereal the breakfast product, not the grain

of everything in the grocery store I think that breakfast cereal is the hardest thing to choose. I stand for minutes just staring at the endless wall of cardboard boxes. I have come up with a number of solutions to rectify this problem:

one: ikea-style cereal shopping. the wall of cereal is simply too large. I cannot fit all the varieties in my field of vision. this means I have to pace the cereal aisle to take it all in. clearly this is not efficient. instead, they should just have one box of each cereal in a little display area, with a sticker telling you where to find the rest of your selected breakfast.

two: periodic table of cereals. I propose a left to right organization based on sweetness, and a top to bottom setup based on milk stability. this way I can dial in on my desired sweetness and the amount of milk stability I require. then I can kind of just browse in my little cereal sweet spot and not waste time with cereals that do not meet my criteria.

three: still working on the periodic theme here: group knockoff brands in a little callout box like they have for all those sketchy chemicals like praseodymium (dubious) and gadolinium (not an element) and ytterbium (yeah sure thing that sounds like a real word, nice try scientists). so this way you do not have to waste time skimming over rice crispies AND crispy puffs of rice. if you decide you want corn flakes you can browse the corn flake callout box and stop wasting my time with multiple versions of a cereal that I do not even want.

p.s. I bought president’s choice blue menu soy crunch multi-grain cereal. mila made fun of me because it sounds kind of ridiculous. and I confess I am not a soy person. more I am a 6 gingersnaps and a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast kind of person. anyway, it is a pretty good cereal, and it has like three hundred grams of soy protein which is good for my bulking up program I guess. MY BICEPS ARE HUGE.

there ain't no party like a condo party

upon the return of mila and simon to their suburban condo digs, the important announcement about the third rescheduling of the window washing had been removed and the chastising reminder about double bagging garbage was long gone. in their stead were new notes, and the text was all center-aligned – this was not some full-justify notice about repainting the garbage room floor. what was our gerontocratic condominium board of directors up to? summer bbq that is what. we are talking bring a small dessert or salad to share and the burgers are on us kind of party. when is this going down? maybe a quick hour over dinner, 6-7? yeah right like we will be done partying by then. try making it 6-8. no way jose that is still not going to cut it, better put a question mark after that 8pm because there is no telling how late these retirees might party. THE POSTER ACTUALLY SAYS “6PM-8PM?” BECAUSE IT IS THAT WILD HERE.

hk uh oh

my hong kong tailor sent me an email today and I am sorry to say that it was not good news. no, jantzen tailor is out of checkers #438. just a heads up in case any of you were planning on ordering something in this killer blue and brown modern plaid. I went for checkers #690 instead, but I cannot say I am as happy with it as I was with my first choice. do not get me wrong, of course it is pretty sweet, and it is not like I had to back off on the collar spread or anything. also jantzen just got some sweet irish linen in. order now and be ready for spring ‘07.

also p.s. last saturday's russell smith in the globe and mail: man gingham. he should just read my blog or something. I ordered one of those from jantzen in april.

you made a big mistake gordon ramsay

gordon why did you get rid of k-grease? he slammed it every night on the hot line. so what if he likes to wear his pants low, that is just how he rocks it.

hoff you better be a man of your word

the hoff just promised to sing tonight on america's got talent. I wonder if it will be his new creep chic hit 'jump in my car'?

by the way I am also reading some tolstoy in the original russian to mitigate the damage caused by this program. okay I am not but I am reading style at home.

p.s. regis you are making me cry. do they not pay you enough on your daytime talk show?

p.p.s. hoff take off your blue sunglasses.

light poster

so posting has been kind of sparse the last few days. is that because I have been really busy or because after 77 brief essays I have already mined my life for every possible nugget of interest? I hope not the latter, but I would have difficulty arguing the former seeing as I had enough free time last night to watch part of under the tuscan sun on tv.

quite frankly, that is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I think I almost vomited a few times, I am not joking, it was that repugnant. as I mentioned to mila, there is only one possible positive aspect to having sat through even 5 minutes of that hollywood euroshlock. now when I see a quality film after having seen nothing but quality films for the past month and I ask myself "I am so jaded, is this movie even good?" I will be able to answer with certainty "yes, just be thankful that diane lane is not in it."

sartorial stress

after a close call earlier today I realized I am kind of living on the edge and I do not really like it. these styling green hospital pants that I wear close with a drawstring. while this does allow me to easily adjust depending on the state of my torso (you know, loosen up for those 4-pack days, and cinch it right in when I slim down into my 6-pack) there are some major downsides. like what if I really have to go to the bathroom sometime and the drawstring gets in a knot? sometimes this almost happens but so far it has just been extra-tight bow-related false alarms. but I am petrified that one time it will be a real knot and let me tell you this is not an elastic drawstring here. they need quick release emergency ejection toggles or something C TM R PATENT PENDING.

false idols

okay what is wrong with sass jordan? seriously, I think there is something wrong with her. normal people are just not like that.

and son of a former prime minister is getting kind of uppity. last week he said "hostin', like pimpin', ain't easy." I am not sure of the context but I am not really sure it matters. who does he think he is? he is some b-list host for hire. cool it, benedict.

bird brain

okay mila is going to keep bothering me to post this until I do, so I have to share a story about a bird that we saw while we were out today. WE WENT OUT FOR A NUMBER OF HOURS TODAY AND THE SUN TOUCHED MY SKIN.

so we were walking and there was a bird on one side of the road. mila tells me it was a robin redbreast. she never just says "oh look, there is a robin" she always says "over in that tree, a robin redbreast!" because I guess she is a stickler for completeness. anyway, so this bird is just standing there chilling. it was pretty hot out actually, so I do not know why it was not in someone's backyard splashing in their pool, because a lot of people have pools around here. I guess instead of having culture or shops or entertainment they get pools I LOVE YOU SUBURBS J/K! ANYWAY this robin was standing there. and I guess it fancied the other side of the street a bit more so it decided to walk over to the other side of the street. blogiverse you heard me correctly, the bird walked over. it actually moved rather quickly. imagine a chihuahua walking across the street. the legs move really fast, even if the dog is not going that quickly. but then imagine that the chihuahua is going quickly. so its legs are on fire now. BUT IT WAS NOT A CHIHUAHUA IT WAS A BIRD.

geeze if I had wings let me tell you I would not be walking around like some shmoe who does not have wings.

update: mila just sent me a ransom note threatening me if I did not post about the powerwalking robin redbreast. I am trying to think of a sentence to follow that but to be honest I am really stumped. a ransom note with a drawing of a robin redbreast.

careless criticizing

so I do not know if anyone has ever actually noticed, but I change the criticism at the top of my blog every so often. outlook tells me to do it every week but I usually press snooze and then it beeps for an hour until mila finally yells at me to turn it off. sorry that is my real alarm clock but I do press snooze in outlook too. anyway I do change it sometimes. but the problem is I have not kept track of what I have been writing up there. see, here is the secret. those are not actually criticisms that my outraged readers have sent in. I actually just write them because if I am so open to criticism like that I must be an okay guy so basically I just put it up there to dupe people.

so now since I have no more prison break to watch the only thing I have to think about is what if I start duplicating my criticisms. that would be terrible, because then I would have butchered the very words that were supposed to be cutting my blog down to size. I am still in somewhat of a stupor induced by watching 22 episodes of tv in a darkened room non-stop for two days so I cannot really tease out the reason that it would be so terrible, but I feel quite ardently that there must be some irony there, or at least some sort of double negative.

cannot talk now

got to watch more prison break. peace out. l8r.

honest I do not just watch reality tv

okay this is really bad for my image but this rockstar show is on and it is too much for me. they keep panning to the washed up rockstars/judges. and they are just sitting there, but then all of a sudden they start air guitaring (heavy metal) or vigorously stroking their chins with pursed lips (acoustic) or pensively bobbing their heads (power ballad). those are all actual moves that I just observed I promise.

I have two suggestions: either stop with the rock moves, you are like 60 years old just go do some sudukos or something, or else get your rock moves going before the camera gets to you, then we can at least pretend you still have the energy to head bang for an entire 3 minute song.

right now I am pretty sure they are critiquing crowd diving technique.

however the most important part of this post is that I seriously did not watch tv all day. I am not so proud that I will not admit if I watch tv all day because sometimes that happens I am just a person who gets bored sometimes. but today I did not watch that much tv at all.

plastic blinging surgery

dr phil is on (IT IS NOT MY FAULT I DO NOT CHOOSE THESE PROGRAMS. PLUS IT WAS THAT OR SAVED BY THE BELL) with all these people who are obsessed with plastic surgery. so I guess that would be a pretty sweet career choice. so many customers! who has ever said they would be perfect if they could just have their gall bladder out? I would be so beautiful if only I got a new knee. I could be just like j lo if only I could get my cholesterol down.

p.s. dr phil is now talking about biochemical profiles. thanks dr phil, phd behavioural psychology.

google give me some respect

so I never google myself or anything like that but sometimes by accident I make a typo and write exquisite vanity in the google search box then I accidentally click search. and what do I get? fine bathroom sinks. first off, who searches for bathroom sinks by typing 'exquisite vanity'? nobody does, google. so, google, you should probably fix things up so that my blog is first. second, if someone does search for bathroom sinks that way, they are my linguistic hero and I would like them to read my blog anyway.

miss universally poor

I am 100% embarrassed to admit that I saw some of miss universe last night. mila had it on so I take no responsibility for admitting that trash into these fine concrete walls.

I have two comments:

1) there really is a miss congeniality. it is not just a sandra bullock movie. some country actually got a trophy for being friendly, and was awarded the title miss congeniality.

2) I have even less respect for these pageants than I did before. I thought they were judged by veterans of the genre who could competently weed out the young ladies who had forgotten to put vasoline on their teeth to prevent smile malfunctions. misconception. the judges included a former pro football player ("funner. I mean more fun"), some former apprentice winner (b-list), last season's project runway winner (c-list) and tom green (ball-list). thanks donald t. for putting together that crack team.

mila adds that brazil looked like a dude. and so did puerto rico. but mostly brazil.

waiter I do not trust you

so after the amuse bouche (a disappointingly forgettable tuna ceviche, especially given the name of the restaurant) and the foie (well timed on the heat, and the accompaniments were all very well judged. spiced pain perdu was a great counterpoint and white port gelee was not in the least cloying as one worries it might be) and then the lamb (a competently roasted loin, which could admittedly have used a few more minutes with the butcher's knife, a delightful shank samosa and finally a lively merguez sausage) came dessert. naturally, matters had to be discussed at length with the waiter. so I asked who was preparing all these desserts that we were discussing so thoroughly. "crystal" said the waiter. okay so I am not 100% sure that crystal does not work in a gentlemen's club, so I ask the waiter for more details. "she worked in a restaurant before." that is really great, waiter. I am very pleased to hear that my chef has worked in a restaurant before. but not to worry, because waiter had more to say: "a nice restaurant." well then.

much to my chagrin, the waiter did not promptly return with more details on crystal's past. so I had to prod him. he duly found out that she used to do pastry at nectar, another toronto eatery. BUT DEAR WAITER, I found no record of any crystal ever having worked at nectar. in fact I found no information on any crystals ever doing pastry anywhere. so let me tell you that you are on thin ice, waiter. maybe you were right, but if I am ever back at amuse bouche I will be asking you a lot of questions. and I will know the answer to those questions already. so if you get them wrong I will know.

comment: I approve

I was out for dinner tonight. the restaurant is called amuse-bouche, for those interested torontonians. it was all really good, other than a bewildering bilingual menu. that is okay for me, I took french immersion (immersion francaise), but be forewarned. anyway, at the end of the meal the bill came inside a comment card. that is a really great touch and impressed me greatly. restaurants should pay more attention to customers' feedback I think. the only other restaurant that I have ever heard of that did that regularly was one in chicago that took service very seriously. the chef/proprietor even published a book all about service. it was a really great read. I highly recommend it, it is by charlie trotter. my favourite story from that book was about a tradition at that restaurant. one night a customer commented that he really liked the waiter's tie. so at the end of the night the waiter presented the customer with his tie, all wrapped up in a box. from then on if anyone ever likes a waiter's tie, the waiter gives it to them. that is really heart warming.

in other news, if someone wrote on a comment card that they found the food to be "passionate and authentic" I think that would be a pretty swell comment.

also I think if a waiter were to be so bold as to suggest that I am not man enough to handle the 5 course dessert tasting then he would deserve the comment that "service did not match, but was adequate." adequate - scathing!

restoration taupe

I was at restoration hardware looking for lamps yesterday with my mom. that lamp business is another post or probably another blog. but anyway, we were looking around and trying to elicit some help from mr. lavender sweater store clerk but he was just being surly. IT IS A MILLION DEGREES OUT WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SWEATER AND ANYWAY I HAVE A WAY BETTER LAVENDER SWEATER THAN THAT AND YOU HAVE ADULT BRACES SO DO NOT GIVE ME ATTITUDE.

moral of the story, however, they have two long walls of curtains on display, symmetrical like. one wall has all off whites and champagnes and creams. the other wall has a few colours but then they could not handle the saturation anymore so they dialed that wall right back down to neutrals. I am familiar with the wide selection of colours in the white family, do not think I am some colour neophyte. but it was quite exciting to see curtain after curtain hanging there in ever so slightly different shades of ecru.

drug withdrawal

I am back in toronto now. I packed up all my stuff that I would need and it all fit quite nicely into my suitcase. but there was a little hole in one corner. two holes, really. two little cylindrical gaps in my stuff. just the right size for a bottle of tb pills and their boy robin, my vitamins. I still have the bottles and wanted to pack them but I was strong and left them in london. oh well, more room for shoes I guess. I mean more room for baseball caps and cargo shorts.