I am actually 100% offended

mila and I met with a stationer today. I walked him through what we wanted. I answered all his questions about which shade of white we would prefer for the stock. paper weight, typeface and envelope style were all chosen to my exacting specification. we flipped through stacks of paper as I passed final judgement.

meanwhile, mila sat silent, wondering if she could be excused to go read magazines in the adjacent bookstore.

as we wrapped up, this otherwise pleasant stationer had only one blank left on his form - a contact name. so he turns to mila - who had made no comment on ink colour, and remained similarly mute during our discussion of the reply cards - and asks for her name.

MISANDRY! PROFOUND, VILE MISANDRY! never have I been so insulted in my life. I cannot believe he filed our account under mila's name. HE DID NOT EVEN WRITE MY NAME DOWN AS AN ALTERNATE CONTACT. WHAT DOES HE THINK MILA IS GOING TO SAY IF HE CALLS HER TO DISCUSS THE MERITS OF LETTERPRESS VERSUS ENGRAVING? I AM NOT EVEN SURE SHE KNOWS WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN.

how did I live without a monogrammed play rug?

restoration hardware,

love your new baby & child collection. I am so glad that mackenzie will finally be able to get a $1200 canopy bed! also, I think she will really enjoy your organic onesies. and thank goodness for your 600-thread-count egyptian cotton sheets - mackenzie can't STAND synthetics!

p.s. can't wait to pick up those damask print hat boxes. little mac has absolutely nowhere to store her hats! her hat from last year's ascot looks worse than trudy's botched face lift hahahaha pass the mimosas

not kosher

cbc radio 2 promises a live performance by "klezmerovitz" tomorrow night. I think I had better go deprogram the cbc2 radio preset just to be safe. truly, if there is anything worse than klezmer, it is live klezmer.

to do: cancel h&h subscription

house & home, what were you thinking when you published a story on kenny g's muskoka cottage? have you lost your mind? he had sconces made of snowshoes. SNOWSHOE SCONCES. really, house & home, what in blazes were you thinking?

liveblogging: morning rounds

antibiotics
for seven or ten days
let's talk about it for twenty minutes
who cares
I hope it looks like I'm checking blood work

p.s. it's my blogiversary

problem

I have absolutely no idea where I am parked.

so much for patient care

I am pretty sure every nurse in london is seeing the sex and the city movie this weekend. most are enjoying cosmos with the girls beforehand. shouts of "let's hoochie it up!" and "skank!" ring through the halls of the hospital, while educational posters about new IV pumps are hastily covered over with glitter-encrusted sign-up sheets for the myriad SATC parties.

craigslist

58 billy bookcases, but not a single fortuny floor lamp to be found.

still working on the presentation

my scathing review, however, is done.

with no waiter nor food in sight, I ambled over to the lobby to have a chat with the maitre d’, who was nowhere to be found; I was instead left to chat with the bartender:

“Is the manager around?”
“I’m afraid not at the moment. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well, to be frank, the service is really unbelievable tonight"
"Unbelievably good?" he unbelievably asked.

work in progress

tomorrow's presentation for work (toxic shock syndrome): 181 words
review of this weekend's dinner at susur (just plain toxic): 861 words

sorry school, looks like you lose again.

from this month's food and wine

"diners tend to idealize luxury proteins... but those have become nothing more than empty status symbols. Vegetables with terroir, isn't that the ultimate luxury?"

well I guess that writer can help himself to a nice big bowl of luxury iceberg lettuce (with terroir). I'll stick with the foie, thanks.

p.s. we are apparently in a "post-adria generation." f&w said so.

gender issues

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this, but in response to the general outrageousness of women's studies I am in the process of developing a curriculum in men's studies. it would include courses like "manbags 101" and "the men's section at banana republic is always smaller than the women's - a seminar" and "media studies: vogue vs men's vogue" and for advanced students, a research course: "my manspa closed - where to get a quality sports manicure in a gentlemanly atmosphere."

anyway I guess I have a new course ("the man and the postmodern wedding: a recontextualization through the lens of social construct"). all the wedding websites go on at great length about "her day" and "discussion with the bride" and "the cake of her dreams" and "you and your husband." so now I have to email the photographer and feel like a total second-class citizen because they promise to capture "her vision" but the vision is actually my vision and I am a he.

so moral of the story, if I drop out of school and become a wedding planner it will be a completely gender neutral enterprise. or maybe it will be mancentric to make up for years of wedding repression.

p.s. I am hooked on stationery

break out the epipen

our building's gym just reopened following its renovation. mila is headed down there now. you may recall that her last foray into high intensity exercise resulted in a total body rash, which the internet revealed to be some sort of allergic reaction to exercise. needless to say, I will have the benadryl close at hand.

p.s. I will be in charge of administering the benadryl. last time mila was allowed to self-medicate with the stuff she ended up with an overdose. she states quite emphatically that this is well known as a "drug store high." I am dubious.

maybe she needs more thorough bloodwork

old mila:
"do you mind if we pop into goodwill? I need more vintage t's"
"ideal wedding? toronto islands in birkenstocks. or maybe elope"
"kensington market should have pedestrian sundays every day"
"I majored in women's studies"

new mila:
"simon, can you please leave me alone? can't you see I'm trying to make an inspiration board?"

god knows what an inspiration board is, but it clearly involves copious wedding blogs and a floor covered in bridal magazines.

mila health update

mila had been feeling a little sleepy lately, so she had some bloodwork done. given her diminutive size, it was kind of just assumed by all that her bloodwork would be less than impressive. well apparently mila is not so sickly after all. in fact, she would like to announce that she sports an iron level well within the normal range, and her B12 is bang-on. she is also quite proud of her robust hemoglobin (135), and notes that her thyroid is humming along quite nicely.

p.s. her glucose is also perfect.
p.p.s. I think I have low platelets. it is too bad we didn't get couples bloodwork, because I am kind of curious to see how I compare.

okay everyone relax

do not worry, reservations have been secured for one of susur's final tasting menus. now I just have to find the forms to get time off from school. I wonder if there's a checkbox for "gastronomic leave."

spinoff blog idea

mila and I were chatting the other night. she wondered what my favourite vegetable was. she said hers was broccoli. I said mine was cookies. she said that cookies do not count as a vegetable, but perhaps she forgot that cookies are made from wheat, which, last I checked, was a plant. anyway, mila went on to ask what food I would take with me if I were on a desert island. she said chinese food. I said cookies. which leads me to my blog spinoff:

it would be called "exquisite vanity: the project" or perhaps "exquisite project" or maybe "project carbs." I would live for one year just on cookies and a daily multivitamin. I would blog about cookies and multivitamins and my health, which I suspect would be quite good, because I would be taking a daily multivitamin.

really, I would not be surprised if someone wanted to make a tv show or a movie about this or maybe a book with some cobranded merchandise like "exquisite cookies" or something.

I sincerely hope this is an elaborate april fools joke

chatto reports that susur is moving to new york. despite my vendetta, I am somewhat saddened by this news. furthermore, I spoke to the receptionist at his restaurant not one week ago, and she did not even have the decency to let me know. unbelievable.

best of nyc: exercise class

momercize. awkwardly flailing their arms and legs as they tried to propel their $900 strollers through central park, listening to the shouted commands of an overhyped young man in overtight shorts, 3 young moms were sighted, well outside their natural habitats of dean & deluca and saks. words truly cannot describe the inane contortions of these three ladies, who were no doubt paying dearly for the privilege of looking like complete fools as they power-strollered about the park, clad in excessively coordinated athletic wear. whatever happened to good old-fashioned ashtanga hiphop pilates?

best of nyc: custom servicewear

okay, back to regularly scheduled programming. for today's installment of 'best of nyc,' a tie, presented in chronological order of enjoyment:

1) jean george's silver marshmallow tongs and shears. after presenting the table with a generous selection of mignardises, in the form of superb truffles and a trio of sensational miniature macarons, the marshmallow cart was wheeled over. from a giant apothecary jar, filled with stack upon stack of rectangular slabs of house-made marshmallows, a single block of marshmallow was removed with what were doubtlessly purpose-built silver marshmallow tongs. using the equally custom-made silver marshmallow shears, individual pieces of marshmallow were cut, and placed onto the fine china with great ceremony. with unwavering pomp, this was repeated twice more, leaving the diner with yet another trio (vanilla, cinnamon and lemon, if I do not misremember) to join the macarons. (JG evidently works well in threes: the amuse - of caramelized grapefruit with pecorino; house miso with radish; and a composition of poached quail egg - was immensely successful)

2) per se's chocolate paper. following the first round of mignardises (apricot pot de creme and a lilliputian vanilla creme brulee), but preceding the third (rustic truffles, house caramels, chocolate-covered almonds, pistachio nougat), came the hand-dipped truffles. after providing us with a small silver plate to hold our truffles, the truffle waiter appeared to offer us a selection from his amply stocked silver tray of truffles ("there is no truffle police," he cooed. "take as many as you wish"). in order to accurately point to each truffle as he described it, as well as to grasp each truffle and transfer them from his silver tray to ours, he produced a thick piece of luxurious brown cardstock - the chocolate paper - no doubt a custom piece. (I must note that it was around this time that we experienced the most profound service gaffe of the meal: as the truffle waiter was returning to mila's side to serve her a final truffle, he dropped his chocolate paper. "oh dear, I have dropped my chocolate paper," he said calmly. he quickly glanced around, no doubt checking both for thomas keller, lest he fire the waiter on the spot, but also for a stray chocolate paper that he may have been able to grab in order to finish the chocolate service. needless to say, there were no stray chocolate papers in the dining room. fortunately, mila sprang to the poor waiter's rescue and offered to pick up the chocolate using her own fingers, and transfer it to her plate. disaster averted, I suppose, but it is certainly a good thing I am so relaxed and tolerant of incompetence, because anyone else would probably have yelled profanities at the waiter and overturned the well-appointed table, before storming out of that slipshod restaurant for good.)