bus ride

because my post about "poo" was not sufficient for mila, she has decreed that I am to post about our bus ride home from the movies this evening.

we went to see Quinceanera tonight. it was really nice. the ending was really happy and I would tell you more about it but I would not want to ruin the story for anyone. we can have a private movie chat if you would like to hear more about it. oh yeah, I almost forgot, I got some nibs at the theatre which was awesome, because as you know I had been craving them. I did go to bulk barn on friday, but I forgot that I wanted nibs so I just got sweedish berries instead. they were great, not to worry, as were the few candy corns that mila permitted me to get.

so anyway once the movie was done we went down to the bus stop and waited for our bus to come. when it finally did, it was one of those long, accordion buses. so I asked mila:

"where would you like to sit? front? back?"

big mistake. I should never have let mila choose. we ended up sitting on those stupid seats right inside the accordion. so every time the bus went around a corner the rest of the bus would spin around and the seats would shake and the accordion would woosh open and closed. even thinking about it is making me nauseous. mila, despite having celebrated her quinceanera some seven years ago, swung her feet (which were nowhere near to reaching the floor) in the air, giggled hysterically every time the bus made a turn and stared obsessively at the floor and the accordion pleats as they swung about us. at least she had fun. I need a gravol.

requesting a reschedule

for school, we have a nice online schedule that lists all our classes. however, it appears that someone did not get my memo to exempt me from tomorrow morning's session. you see, squished in there between "stomach and duodenum" and lunch is two hours that I would quite frankly rather miss.

from 10:30-12:30 tomorrow we have "approach to diarrhea." I cannot think of a worse topic. that must be the grossest two hours I have ever heard of in my life. then again, later in the week we do have "anal and perianal problems." I still think the diarrhea is the grosser of the two. either way, gastroenterology is the worst specialty I have ever heard of.

my first fraud

I just experienced my first fraud. I was browsing through my credit card statement, rigorously checking the amounts against my receipts. nestled in amongst all the legitimate entries was a line for swiss chalet. okay, first, I would never eat at some greasy chain like that, so how on earth did that get onto my mastercard? but how about we assume maybe I leant the card to someone and they used it or something. so I let it slide. but then I saw the amount. $25.05 said my mastercard statement. $25.02 said my bill. if I could do numbers in capital letters let me tell you that 25.02 would have been in major caps. OUTRAGEOUS! THEY BILKED ME FOR A SHINY TUPPENCE AND THEN SOME. SWINDLERS! UNSCRUPULOUS SWINE! I have half a mind to never eat that delicious rotisserie chicken again.

a time to share

in last week's loblaws flyer there was a special pull-out section. it carried the title "harvest market." okay, cool, playing off the thanksgiving theme perhaps. a little late, but maybe they are just international and like to also observe american thanksgiving. classy touch, now that I think about it. anyway, this special pull-out also carried the subtitle "it's a time of plenty...a time to share." a nice thought. be thankful for the harvest, share with others who may not have had as bountiful a harvest. very generous. kind spirited.

but what were they advertising on this page? what were they suggesting that you share with your loved ones?

cheeze whiz, kraft singles, velveta, no name stringable cheese and kraft dinner, among other similar products. first, why all the dairy? better hope the pilgrims were not lactose intolerant. second, and more importantly:

it is never "a time to share" processed cheese products.

rubbing shoulders with celebs

I was just browsing one of my typography forums. reading up on serifs, ligatures, favourite ampersands, that sort of thing. anyway, who should post but the creator of that film about helvetica that I wrote about a while ago. I READ A REAL LIVE FORUM POST BY A MOVIE DIRECTOR. I COULD HAVE REPLIED IF I WANTED, AND HE MIGHT EVEN HAVE REPLIED BACK.

now I just have to hope my chef comment friend does not see this and fire back a torrent of zings about my entitlement disease.

speaking of diseases of the entitled classes: when my mother found out that I had recently enjoyed a bag of "butter lover's" popcorn, she exclaimed that I should instead be buying blue menu. "simon!" she yelled, "that has so much trans fat! you can't eat trans fat with your tb!" it is nice to see that at least someone recognizes the burden of my disease.

sweater tuck

I have been waiting for a while to go for a sweet tucked in sweater look. so as I got dressed this morning, I thought today would be the perfect opportunity. but then I tried it, and it really was not working out for me. the tuck was terminated.

let me tell you, today was my lucky day. someone else at the hospital was doing the tucked in sweater too. but I kind of got the feeling he was just used to tucking his shirts in everyday, and he was sure not going to go flapping in the breeze just because he was wearing a sweater. so in short, not the image I was going for with the sweater tuck. not cool. but if I had shown up with a tuck of my own, I would have been immediately associated with his amateur tuck. so thank goodness I aborted my own tuck this morning. close call.

one day soon, though, I hope to break out the sweater tuck. maybe it will even be a cardigan. not too soon though, because then someone might remember this post and think that my tuck was something other than a spontaneous expression of cold weather style.

I need candy

I am having a candy snack attack. in lieu of actually eating candies, I will present an annotated list of my favourites:

nibs - a classic. the dense texture and cherry flavour are a major improvement over twizzlers.
coke bottles - I used to make fun of mila for getting these, because they seemed really weird. but though I would not say their flavour bears any resemblance to that of coke, they are a great basic gummy.
fuzzy peaches - yet another classic. sweet and sour? check and check.
chocolate covered pretzels - once again playing on a flavour contrast, these guys go for the sweet salty. a much underused dichotomy, it plays well in this snack.
licorice allsorts - a little retro, and a little delicious
swedish berries - nothing hits the sweet spot quite like these multicultural gummies.

so I am at school right now. if you want to bring me a bag of these I would be much indebted. do not mix the fuzzy peaches and coke bottles with the rest though, I hate it when the sour sugar gets on the nibs.

exquisite pedagogy

I do not want to brag but I just invented the mnemonic of the decade.

we have to know that trypanosomes are treated with suramin.

well, how about we give a big word up to my number 1 species of trypanosome, t. cruzi. tom cruise coming at you. and what does the latest spawn of t cruise go by? SURI CRUISE THAT IS WHAT IT GOES BY. HOW ABOUT A BIG EV HOLLA TO SURI "SURAMIN" CRUISE.

please post offers for fast track tenure in the comments section.

disheartening realization

over the years I have mentioned how I hope some day to be a waiter. you may have even read about it on the august pages of exquisite vanity. not just any waiter, of course. I do not want to be slinging all you can eat shrimp at red lobster. I have no desire to bus tables at some nouvelle-chinoise fusion joint (THAT IS RIGHT SUSUR, I DROP IT JUST LIKE THAT). no, my dream is to enter the field as a regular waiter (or a captain, I am really not picky) at a temple of gastronomy where service could only be described as immaculate and inspiring. having said this, I have come to the realization that it is never going to happen. like actually, 100%, I will never be able to wait tables. next summer is already spoken for, and from then on I will never have summer vacation. not that I would want to work anywhere that would hire temporary summer help, but you get the idea.

anyway, this has prompted me to compile a list of things that I will never be able to say or do:

place a pillow of scented air in front of a guest.
"how are you feeling about this course so far?"
refresh a guest's brioche midway through the course so that they may have a ready supply of warm toast.
coordinate washroom breaks with a guest and the kitchen so that the 24-course tasting may go smoothly.
"chef suggests you start with the terrine, but then punctuate with the riesling sorbet before moving onto the seared preparation."
refill the sparkling, nail a jaunty pirouette, then hit the spiegelau with the pinot.
coo "happy birthday, sir" into an unsuspecting guest's ear.

disheartening, indeed.

on microwaves

in contrast to the attitude of my colleague over at foodphile, I have nothing against microwaves. I do, however, have two comments to make regarding them.

first, our microwave has a time dial instead of buttons. that is cool, it is pretty fast to dial in a time. sometimes I feel that I am sacrificing precision, but that is okay. anyway, that dial goes up to 35 minutes. who microwaves for that long? what on earth could you microwave for 35 minutes? I do not think it is possible to fit a large enough foodstuff into our microwave such that it would require over half an hour of cook time. is microwaving for that long even legal? it seems very unsafe.

second, as much as I love popcorn, I think that I almost prefer it when the kernels come out half-popped. they should make some setting on microwaves that cooks a bag of popcorn so that it yields only those delightfully crunchy half-popped kernels. just an idea.

katie holmes

on occasion, I will jot down a quick note about something that I want to mention on my blog. a few weeks ago, after seeing 'thank you for smoking' I made a quick note on our grocery list.

a few days later, I retrieved my note, ready to blog about it. "blog re:..." was pretty clear. plain as day. but it was downhill after that. a graphological nightmare. I knew there were four more words, but I could decipher none of them. I was modestly confident that there was a "wine" in there. the next word could really have been anything. "ulysses?" I would have bought it, but for the fact I would never blog about ulysses. I really do not even know who or what ulysses is. I think I often confuse it (him? is it a him?) with odysseus, on account of the double ss.

anyway, there were two more words, so I moved on. a good hour of forensic handwriting analysis later, I came up with "hate homes." I really cannot say that I have very strong emotions regarding homes so I kept working. meanwhile, mila kept piping up: "are you sure it's not katie holmes? maybe you wanted to talk about suri. her new bff posh spice? oh, probably you wanted to make a scathing zing about her new barney's addiction"

since I do not run a gossip blog, clearly I had no intention of blogging about katie holmes. I forged ahead. "bate honey?" "traitor homme?" I am not joking, I am looking at the note right now, and it could say any of those things. but upon further inspection, things began to fall dangerously into place for the young starlet.

so in summary: wine glasses katie holmes. she drank out of some sweet glasses in the movie. they were plump, yet not obscene. tall and imposing, yet seemingly versatile. that is pretty much all I wanted to say. they were really great wine glasses. if my dream of owning the entire riedel sommelier collection falls through, I will happily settle for those katie holmes wine glasses.

medical terminology, part 2

I must be working too hard or something. I have come across yet more medical terminology of note.

in this list of abdominal signs I have here, I have encountered what I believe to be an error:

"courvoisier's sign - possible pathology: pancreatic cancer"

I believe the above should read:

"courvoisier's sign - possible pathology: you are a rapper"

medical terminology

I just read in my notes about sick sinus syndrome. it was mentioned that it is frequently abbreviated to 'sss'.

I wonder if people ever pronounce it like a snake hissing. because that is just one syllable. in fact I do not know if it is even a full syllable. either way, it is a lot shorter than 'ess ess ess'. you might as well say the whole thing if you are going to waste time with all those esses.

my proudest moment

recently, a reader stumbled on my blog by searching google blogs for "toronto chefs."

some notes regarding this:

first, this person hates me. some highlights from the comment he left (since deleted):
"none of these chefs give a damn about you... they make small talk so you will go away" ouch!
"entitlement disease, that's what i call it" zing!
"it is obvious that you are the last person to tell susur anything" zing?
"you actually got to speak and e-mail these people..wow...you are special...get a life" way to smoke me with the elipses!
"you are in med school...get your nose in a book and leave the real cooking to the chefs" maybe I will go read susur's biography. can you handle it?

second, a big hello to my mystery reader. I am glad you found my blog so stimulating.

finally, a google blogs search for "toronto chefs" produces my blog as the first hit. THE FIRST HIT. WHO IS SECOND? JAMES CHATTO. I AM AHEAD OF JAMES CHATTO. I NEED BIGGER CAPITAL LETTERS. I BEAT JAMES CHATTO IN A MATCHUP ON TORONTO CHEFS. woeaifj9ewklmce I am too excited to type.

guest blogger: mila

verbatim, from the keys of my 'paramour,' mila:

Today after dinner, I was washing the dishes and Mila was dealing with leftovers. Soon after I placed the 10” chef’s knife in the draining rack, I heard a quiet gasp from my paramour followed by a huge spurt of volcanic blood. Mila had slashed open her finger!

After we wrapped it in Kleenex, we both returned to the kitchen where I continued to dry dishes and Mila began to make lunches.

As she worked, she sang this lovely song (to the tune of Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina):

Don’t cry for me, syncope
The truth is I didn’t faint yet
All through my injury
And subsequent blood loss
I kept my bravery
And still made lunches

popcorn

I have had a major popcorn craving for the past few days. the problem is that mila refuses to eat popcorn with me, so I have to save up my cravings until they are so big that I can eat an entire bag of popcorn by myself. today they were that big. so I popped a bag of popcorn and started shoving handfuls of it into my mouth.

the problem is that I also just got back from giving blood. when you give blood, they prick your finger to make sure you have enough iron. not to brag or anything, but I always have enough iron. I am pretty sure if they tested me for most things I would have enough. though I did once try to donate platelets so they had to test my platelets first. I eventually got a letter from them saying that they were no longer interested in my platelets. now this may mean that I did not have enough platelets to donate. more plausibly, however, is that it meant that the demand for platelets had simply waned to the point where they no longer needed to take up my valuable time with their blood letting. I am a very busy person. blogs to write, you know.

anyway, so I have a prick on my ring finger. for a while I was trying to avoid using it while I ate popcorn. but I was simply not getting enough throughput using a three finger pincer grip, so I had to upgrade to the four finger. but then I got butter all over my finger where they pricked it, so now I am somewhat concerned that I have butter in my blood. how troubling.

killer dilemmas

okay the first dilemma involves a blazer, but I will not bore you with the details.

the second dilemma involves white vinegar. where to keep it? the grocery store keeps it in the food section, so I am inclined to follow their lead and keep it in the kitchen. but I think I probably use it to clean more often that I use it to cook. the only time I ever use it to cook is for poaching eggs, I think. so maybe I should consider moving it to the laundry area, where the cleaning supplies live. as I say, killer dilemma.

simon's list of disapproval

I was at church this last sunday, just chilling with the j.c. and enjoying the blinged out crosses. but something was amiss at this place of worship. in fact, many things were amiss. certain things simply do not belong at church. that list would include:

wayne shorter
electric guitar
acoustic guitar
acoustic guitar (they had the audacity to include two of these ministerial favourites)
viola (in its capacity as a jazz instrument)
clarinet (see above)
piano (again, as before)
double bass (ditto)
drums (OUTRAGEOUS! DRUMS IN CHURCH!)
jellybeans (this is a church, not the bulk barn)
produce used as a prop by a minister for his bible story

wwjd? I will tell you what jesus would do. HE WOULD SMITE THAT CHURCH SO HARD. BIG TIME SMITING. WITH EXTRA WRATH BECAUSE THERE WAS ALMOST NO USE OF THE ORGAN.

shout-out to my girl

I would say that ever since the one week anniversary of my blog, there has been one thing that mila has harassed me about most. unrelenting, she would bring it up almost every day. YOU BETTER GIVE ME SOME BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS! SIMON, DO YOU KNOW IT IS MY BIRTHDAY IN JUST TWO MONTHS? ARE YOU READY TO GIVE ME BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS ON MY BIRTHDAY?

so a big word up to mila, who is turning the big 'double-digits' today. happy 22nd birthday, mila.

okay mila just yelled over "IT BETTER INCLUDE THE SENTENCE 'SHOUT-OUT TO MY GIRL,' SIMON!". I was not joking when I said I was being harassed.

great idea

fantastic. put a skate park under the gardiner. that is a great idea, toronto blog. skateboarders are the glue that holds a city together. NO WAIT, THEY ARE THE DISRESPECTFUL HOOLIGANS WHO DEFACE PUBLIC PROPERTY.

poor show, wikipedia

mila recently reminded me that this year marks the ten year anniversary of the toonie. why was there no celebration? no offence, canada, but you are not very good at celebrations. no wonder national pride is so subpar. if the united states invented a two dollar coin there would probably be a national holiday, hallmark would introduce a series of greeting cards ("happy tennie, toonie" would be my vote) and there would be some awesome fireworks.

anyway, in honour of the anniversary I decided to do some research:

runners up for the name included "the bearly" "the deuce" and "the doubloonie". wikipedia, perhaps you should screen your entries for garbage like that, because those are the stupidest names I have ever heard.

a 'joke' referred to the coin as the "american silver dollar". NOT SO FUNNY NOW, IS IT? HOW ABOUT YOU TRY AMERICAN 1.77 DOLLAR ON FOR SIZE, WIKIPEDIA.

"separated coins" were a common phenomenon near the introduction of the coin (I am skeptical) and so it became fashionable to "wear the outside ring suspended on a leather thong as a necklace" THAT IS THE MOST FALSE AND DUMB THING I HAVE EVER READ. WHO WRITES THIS OUTRAGEOUS TRASH?

my graphic novel

class was kind of dull the other day (nothing important though - heart attacks, or aneurisms or something. I really could not tell you. as I say, dull) so I drew my first graphic novel. I think they already want to turn it into a movie.

grocery list cliche

reading through design magazines, one will find a number of constants in the photos. fresh flowers, always. bowls of perfect fruit here and there, of course. burning candles, perhaps an open bottle of wine, a kettle on the stove, and so on. for kitchen shots, a shopping list scrawled on a chalk board is not an uncommon sight. but I have decided, through extensive research, that these lists are not the actual shopping lists of their owners. no, they are all the same, written in the same impeccably casual hand, full of the same grocery list cliches.

I am on to them. the 10 point scheme:

1. eggs - you always have to start with an innocuous kitchen staple. eggs are a safe bet.
2. spring mix - good idea to throw in some veg at this point. you may prefix this item with organic, depends on the flavour the article is going for.
3. figs - some fruit. let everyone know you are getting your five-to-ten. but nothing common. apples are decidedly bourgeois.
4. fresh goat cheese - one can never go wrong with a cheese in the clean-up position here. try to give it the semblance of artisanality, but in reality this product will be sold at loblaws
5. bottled water - some prefer sparkling here, but the pyramid of san pellegrino on the counter usually tips off the reader that you are already well stocked.
6. limes - you will need something to squeeze into your water, not to mention those drinks you will be mixing off the bar cart that was a steal at $299 from crate and barrel. lemons are okay here, but limes will push you into the big leagues.
7. thyme - the people who live in this house are too beautiful for dried herbs, says this entry.
8. basil - better throw in a second herb here. you really do not want people thinking you used dried.
9. soy milk - now this is a little bit of a gray area. I would suggest saving this for the eclectic boho-chic kitchen. careful mixing this with the built-in subzero.
10. rack of lamb - up until now we have not seen any meats. we do not want anyone thinking we are some kind of wimp, so we need to get something red and bloody in here. try not to go wild, though, lamb is quite heavy duty enough. beef is overkill, so play it safe with the softer image of lamb.

of course this list needs tweaking depending on the kitchen. you will notice there were no even vaguely asian products listed, so clearly this would not work for a loft. a few minor changes, though, and you are good to go.

anyway, design magazines, you have not tricked me, not this time.

eurobeats

I am currently looking for a digital piano. pretty much I would like a real piano, but it is probably best for everyone involved if headphones were an option. so digital it is.

when I told mila this, however, she got very excited. does she play piano, do you ask? maybe some jazz? classical? show tunes? pop? no, mila does not play the piano. she plays the recorder, and the triangle, but not the piano. mila was very excited because she would soon be able to hit the 'powerbeats' button (oonce-oonce-oonce), then slam the 'electropop 2' (there is no english translation for electropop 2, sorry) and have a rocking concert. I think she would probably move her hands over the keys to make it look like she was playing, but I am not sure of the details.

sorry mila, wrong kind of piano.

fact checking diana krall

factual errors in the first 37 seconds of diana krall's version of "temptation":

russet brandy in a diamond glass: diana, I question whether russet is a well-recognized colour descriptor in the world of wines and spirits. furthermore, I am not familiar with the existence of any glasses made of diamond. my contacts at riedel denied producing anything remotely similar, and were quite dubious regarding the feasibility of such a glass.
everything is made from dreams: this is simply untrue. for instance, my desk is made of wood. proof by counterexample. qed.
time is made from honey, slow and sweet: maybe you should let elvis double check the lyrics before you hit the recording studio. congratulations on the slow and sweet though, I checked those out and honey is both slow-flowing and sweet.
only the fools know what it means: if pressed, I would guess that the fools would be the last to know what it means. do you have a reference for this?

car please stop honking

things I could thow at the car parked outside our window that has a car alarm that has been going off for a number of days now:

indian rubber plant, in ceramic planter
wooden shelf, former home of indian rubber plant
coffee table
sofa
lamp
another lamp
four coasters, glass with metal rim

but then our living room would be empty and I think the car would still be honking at us.