simon's list of disapproval

I was at church this last sunday, just chilling with the j.c. and enjoying the blinged out crosses. but something was amiss at this place of worship. in fact, many things were amiss. certain things simply do not belong at church. that list would include:

wayne shorter
electric guitar
acoustic guitar
acoustic guitar (they had the audacity to include two of these ministerial favourites)
viola (in its capacity as a jazz instrument)
clarinet (see above)
piano (again, as before)
double bass (ditto)
drums (OUTRAGEOUS! DRUMS IN CHURCH!)
jellybeans (this is a church, not the bulk barn)
produce used as a prop by a minister for his bible story

wwjd? I will tell you what jesus would do. HE WOULD SMITE THAT CHURCH SO HARD. BIG TIME SMITING. WITH EXTRA WRATH BECAUSE THERE WAS ALMOST NO USE OF THE ORGAN.