okay what is wrong with sass jordan? seriously, I think there is something wrong with her. normal people are just not like that.
and son of a former prime minister is getting kind of uppity. last week he said "hostin', like pimpin', ain't easy." I am not sure of the context but I am not really sure it matters. who does he think he is? he is some b-list host for hire. cool it, benedict.
okay mila is going to keep bothering me to post this until I do, so I have to share a story about a bird that we saw while we were out today. WE WENT OUT FOR A NUMBER OF HOURS TODAY AND THE SUN TOUCHED MY SKIN.
so we were walking and there was a bird on one side of the road. mila tells me it was a robin redbreast. she never just says "oh look, there is a robin" she always says "over in that tree, a robin redbreast!" because I guess she is a stickler for completeness. anyway, so this bird is just standing there chilling. it was pretty hot out actually, so I do not know why it was not in someone's backyard splashing in their pool, because a lot of people have pools around here. I guess instead of having culture or shops or entertainment they get pools I LOVE YOU SUBURBS J/K! ANYWAY this robin was standing there. and I guess it fancied the other side of the street a bit more so it decided to walk over to the other side of the street. blogiverse you heard me correctly, the bird walked over. it actually moved rather quickly. imagine a chihuahua walking across the street. the legs move really fast, even if the dog is not going that quickly. but then imagine that the chihuahua is going quickly. so its legs are on fire now. BUT IT WAS NOT A CHIHUAHUA IT WAS A BIRD.
geeze if I had wings let me tell you I would not be walking around like some shmoe who does not have wings.
update: mila just sent me a ransom note threatening me if I did not post about the powerwalking robin redbreast. I am trying to think of a sentence to follow that but to be honest I am really stumped. a ransom note with a drawing of a robin redbreast.
so I do not know if anyone has ever actually noticed, but I change the criticism at the top of my blog every so often. outlook tells me to do it every week but I usually press snooze and then it beeps for an hour until mila finally yells at me to turn it off. sorry that is my real alarm clock but I do press snooze in outlook too. anyway I do change it sometimes. but the problem is I have not kept track of what I have been writing up there. see, here is the secret. those are not actually criticisms that my outraged readers have sent in. I actually just write them because if I am so open to criticism like that I must be an okay guy so basically I just put it up there to dupe people.
so now since I have no more prison break to watch the only thing I have to think about is what if I start duplicating my criticisms. that would be terrible, because then I would have butchered the very words that were supposed to be cutting my blog down to size. I am still in somewhat of a stupor induced by watching 22 episodes of tv in a darkened room non-stop for two days so I cannot really tease out the reason that it would be so terrible, but I feel quite ardently that there must be some irony there, or at least some sort of double negative.
okay this is really bad for my image but this rockstar show is on and it is too much for me. they keep panning to the washed up rockstars/judges. and they are just sitting there, but then all of a sudden they start air guitaring (heavy metal) or vigorously stroking their chins with pursed lips (acoustic) or pensively bobbing their heads (power ballad). those are all actual moves that I just observed I promise.
I have two suggestions: either stop with the rock moves, you are like 60 years old just go do some sudukos or something, or else get your rock moves going before the camera gets to you, then we can at least pretend you still have the energy to head bang for an entire 3 minute song.
right now I am pretty sure they are critiquing crowd diving technique.
however the most important part of this post is that I seriously did not watch tv all day. I am not so proud that I will not admit if I watch tv all day because sometimes that happens I am just a person who gets bored sometimes. but today I did not watch that much tv at all.
dr phil is on (IT IS NOT MY FAULT I DO NOT CHOOSE THESE PROGRAMS. PLUS IT WAS THAT OR SAVED BY THE BELL) with all these people who are obsessed with plastic surgery. so I guess that would be a pretty sweet career choice. so many customers! who has ever said they would be perfect if they could just have their gall bladder out? I would be so beautiful if only I got a new knee. I could be just like j lo if only I could get my cholesterol down.
p.s. dr phil is now talking about biochemical profiles. thanks dr phil, phd behavioural psychology.
so I never google myself or anything like that but sometimes by accident I make a typo and write exquisite vanity in the google search box then I accidentally click search. and what do I get? fine bathroom sinks. first off, who searches for bathroom sinks by typing 'exquisite vanity'? nobody does, google. so, google, you should probably fix things up so that my blog is first. second, if someone does search for bathroom sinks that way, they are my linguistic hero and I would like them to read my blog anyway.
I am 100% embarrassed to admit that I saw some of miss universe last night. mila had it on so I take no responsibility for admitting that trash into these fine concrete walls.
I have two comments:
1) there really is a miss congeniality. it is not just a sandra bullock movie. some country actually got a trophy for being friendly, and was awarded the title miss congeniality.
2) I have even less respect for these pageants than I did before. I thought they were judged by veterans of the genre who could competently weed out the young ladies who had forgotten to put vasoline on their teeth to prevent smile malfunctions. misconception. the judges included a former pro football player ("funner. I mean more fun"), some former apprentice winner (b-list), last season's project runway winner (c-list) and tom green (ball-list). thanks donald t. for putting together that crack team.
mila adds that brazil looked like a dude. and so did puerto rico. but mostly brazil.
so after the amuse bouche (a disappointingly forgettable tuna ceviche, especially given the name of the restaurant) and the foie (well timed on the heat, and the accompaniments were all very well judged. spiced pain perdu was a great counterpoint and white port gelee was not in the least cloying as one worries it might be) and then the lamb (a competently roasted loin, which could admittedly have used a few more minutes with the butcher's knife, a delightful shank samosa and finally a lively merguez sausage) came dessert. naturally, matters had to be discussed at length with the waiter. so I asked who was preparing all these desserts that we were discussing so thoroughly. "crystal" said the waiter. okay so I am not 100% sure that crystal does not work in a gentlemen's club, so I ask the waiter for more details. "she worked in a restaurant before." that is really great, waiter. I am very pleased to hear that my chef has worked in a restaurant before. but not to worry, because waiter had more to say: "a nice restaurant." well then.
much to my chagrin, the waiter did not promptly return with more details on crystal's past. so I had to prod him. he duly found out that she used to do pastry at nectar, another toronto eatery. BUT DEAR WAITER, I found no record of any crystal ever having worked at nectar. in fact I found no information on any crystals ever doing pastry anywhere. so let me tell you that you are on thin ice, waiter. maybe you were right, but if I am ever back at amuse bouche I will be asking you a lot of questions. and I will know the answer to those questions already. so if you get them wrong I will know.
I was out for dinner tonight. the restaurant is called amuse-bouche, for those interested torontonians. it was all really good, other than a bewildering bilingual menu. that is okay for me, I took french immersion (immersion francaise), but be forewarned. anyway, at the end of the meal the bill came inside a comment card. that is a really great touch and impressed me greatly. restaurants should pay more attention to customers' feedback I think. the only other restaurant that I have ever heard of that did that regularly was one in chicago that took service very seriously. the chef/proprietor even published a book all about service. it was a really great read. I highly recommend it, it is by charlie trotter. my favourite story from that book was about a tradition at that restaurant. one night a customer commented that he really liked the waiter's tie. so at the end of the night the waiter presented the customer with his tie, all wrapped up in a box. from then on if anyone ever likes a waiter's tie, the waiter gives it to them. that is really heart warming.
in other news, if someone wrote on a comment card that they found the food to be "passionate and authentic" I think that would be a pretty swell comment.
also I think if a waiter were to be so bold as to suggest that I am not man enough to handle the 5 course dessert tasting then he would deserve the comment that "service did not match, but was adequate." adequate - scathing!
I was at restoration hardware looking for lamps yesterday with my mom. that lamp business is another post or probably another blog. but anyway, we were looking around and trying to elicit some help from mr. lavender sweater store clerk but he was just being surly. IT IS A MILLION DEGREES OUT WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SWEATER AND ANYWAY I HAVE A WAY BETTER LAVENDER SWEATER THAN THAT AND YOU HAVE ADULT BRACES SO DO NOT GIVE ME ATTITUDE.
moral of the story, however, they have two long walls of curtains on display, symmetrical like. one wall has all off whites and champagnes and creams. the other wall has a few colours but then they could not handle the saturation anymore so they dialed that wall right back down to neutrals. I am familiar with the wide selection of colours in the white family, do not think I am some colour neophyte. but it was quite exciting to see curtain after curtain hanging there in ever so slightly different shades of ecru.
I am back in toronto now. I packed up all my stuff that I would need and it all fit quite nicely into my suitcase. but there was a little hole in one corner. two holes, really. two little cylindrical gaps in my stuff. just the right size for a bottle of tb pills and their boy robin, my vitamins. I still have the bottles and wanted to pack them but I was strong and left them in london. oh well, more room for shoes I guess. I mean more room for baseball caps and cargo shorts.
I was watching hell's kitchen last night. it is a great television program, I suggest you all watch it. things are really heating up as they go into the final five. I smell individual challenges! we got to see the first sparks of creative control last night as the budding chefs ("former deli manager!" "prison cafeteria worker!" gordon how can you give them a restaurant?) got to devise a three course lunch for gordo (chicken roulade stuffed with salami? how did that win it is disgusting and very 90s calital. then again the competing main involved a tomatillo and smoked ancho demiglace which makes it sound like bobby flay was involved. that is never good.) and then later when they got to contribute a few items to the dinner menu.
my highlight, however, was when one of the aspiring restauranteurs flipped g.r. the bird. now, those familiar with the show or with chef ramsay in general are also familiar with his smoking mouth. he is crass. half the show is bleeped out. but gordon was outraged that this fellow should tarnish the hell's kitchen environment with such crude sign language. OUTRAGED! HE SWEARS THE WHOLE SHOW! BIG SWEARS! AND THEN YELLS AT THIS GUY FOR A FINGER! I LOVE IT!
to all concerned parties,
the house fly situation seems to be under control.
also our wood surfaces are in prime condition.
the solarium is still a suffocating den of heat.
thanks,
simon
there are like a million flies in our apartment right now. I killed six flies yesterday with my lightning reflexes, and I also killed a lot just by picking them up because they seem to be a particularly short-lived strain. I do not think I killed any today because they seemed reinvigorated from their night's rest and I was exhausted from chasing them the day before, but then again maybe I did kill one. anyway there are still so many flies here.
where do they come from? our windows are all shut. google says they grow in liquefied garbage, sewage and carrion. that is so gross and we do not have any of that here. absolutely no decomposing carcasses, I am quite sure. yet so many flies.
I was talking to my brother the other night:
"hey bra"
"hey bra"
"sup?"
"just chillin"
"aight"
"coo"
"so your blog is pretty snobby"
"but it is ironic snob, therefore not snob"
"your argument seems flawed at best"
"you might have noticed that I even critisize myself right under the title, which is ironic in itself"
"but you see, that is the crux of it. the title perfectly reflects the content of the blog, it is not ironic at all"
"whatev, bra"
"lates"
but then I was thinking about it more. where is the snob? I cannot find it. does that mean I have transcended the irony and am now actually living unadulterated snob, and so am blind to it?
I hope so. I MEAN I HOPE NOT. ISN'T IT IRONIC DONTCHA THINK.
p.s. bra do not be mad that I wrote about you.
dear computer,
mila's office is maybe 15 feet away. we chat quite comfortably by yelling across the apartment. yet sometimes I also find myself chatting with her on my webcam, texting her on msn, replying to her emails and communicating with her via the comments on this blog. simultaneously. I clearly love computers and the internet. so why do you give me so much spyware? I give you love and you give me popups. that is really not fair, in case you wondered. please start pulling your weight around here. I am not going to sit around here just taking your tude - I have to respect myself, you know.
simon
mila and I go to michaels sometimes and make fun of all the overweight housewives buying ribbon and paper flowers and glue guns for dreadful craft projects they read about in cats magazine.
the only problem is we are there buying stuff too. like the ribbon we bought recently to glue onto a lamp shade. oh please do not let suburbia be rubbing off on me I have to go read a copy of cigar aficionado now.
p.s. I have a brutal case of spyware. just sharing.
no it is not world tb day. that is march 24 if memory serves me correctly. yes I know that date from memory you should too. but it is simon's end of tb day. well it is not actually end of tb. I am tb+ 4life. but I am all done with my tb pills, so I have as little tb as I will ever have I guess.
in other medical news, mila had her wisdom teeth out. her cheeks are enormous. more enormous than usual that is. she is standing here forcing me to say that she was very brave and that I am a terrible nurse because I had a nap when we got home and she missed her 3 pm tylenol because I was not awake to administer it. no she is not a tween as you may have guessed from a) wisdom tooth extraction and b) dependency on simon the nurse. also c) her dinner of gerber prunes and sweet potato. she does report that they were both delicious.
gerber makes entire meals in one jar. that is just gross. pureed prunes, whatever, that is fine, it is just one food in a different texture. mila even reports that it had a certain high end vibe to it. caribou loin with organic prune compote or something. but turkey, wild rice, vegetable and fruit medley IN ONE JAR ALL PUREED TOGETHER is giving me major voms. equally gross, and outrageously decadent are gerber’s spanish paella and their chicken cacciatore, with appropriate sides, of course. what kind of baby needs that stuff? oh god I hope I had those when I was a baby.
a comment reminded me about my cheese diary and I think I should post about it because it is a really great thing to have and I think some of you might want to start one after you read more about it. it is not a joke and this is not a novelty post because I take my cheese diary very seriously.
it is pretty simple actually. get a classy book. mine is actually not that sweet, it is just a black hardcover notebook, but it is okay for now. mila drew a picture of a mouse and some cheese on the cover so it is at least personalized. if I were to do it again I would probably go for something in leather. now I understand that you might want to go for an exotic leather because cheese is that exciting, but do not go crazy and get python or something because you will have your cheese diary for ever and you need durability here.
now you need to create some sections in your book. I have two. the first is cheeses I would like to try. if someone tells me about a sweet cheese I will write it here. but sometimes people tell me about a sweet cheese and I do not write it here, because that sweet cheese is smoked marbled cheddar or something equally nauseating. the second section is cheeses I have tasted. here you will record the date of the tasting, some basic cheese facts, and your tasting notes. also you should rate the cheese. it took me a while to come up with a rating system but I am very happy with my system now and I would very much recommend it. it is the basic 3 star michelin system. 0 stars is "would not enjoy eating"; 1 star is "would eat if available"; 2 stars is "enjoyable. would buy"; and for the best of the best, 3 stars is "delicious. worth a journey to buy". as a matter of policy I will not award 3 stars on an initial tasting. one has to be conservative with the 3 star cheeses. I find this system provides enough scores for me to choose from while maintaining a tangible difference between the various scores.
for example:
toscanello (0 stars)
tasted july 16, 2005
sheep's milk, firm, italy
dull, muted taste. oily yet dry. inoffensive but unexciting.
if you have any questions about cheese diaries please ask me. also I just realize I ate some cheeses in may that I meant to record but I forgot. that is too bad. I cannot go make entries now because I forget the tasting experience and my scores and tasting notes would be inaccurate. do not taint your cheese diary with unscrupulous entries, you will only regret it. for instance, do not score any cheeses before they are released on the market. that is a killer michelin joke by the way. french michelin once awarded stars to a restaurant that was not even open when the guide was published because the chef bribed them or something. EXTRA FUNNY BECAUSE I EXPLAINED THE JOKE!
I am going to a masters thesis lecture tomorrow. in case you are wondering no I am not giving it because I have a grand total of zero (0) degrees and I think you need some of those before you can master something. it is in fact my first brush with this variety of academia. and so I have questions. the most pressing is:
do people ever heckle the masters students? I understand it is some sort of defence, but it does not seem like he would have to do much defending unless he had some antagonists. perhaps that is why I was invited, to provide a sufficient amount of academic tension. I WILL BRING MY A GAME, MASTERS STUDENT, DO NOT WORRY.
hello annoying grammarian reader that is not a typo ([upsidedown!]CHISTES! do not stop reading because I cannot afford to lose readers.)
okay I just noticed this. try writing a word or sentence with an exclamation mark. perky! even exclamatory! BUT PUT THE UPSIDEDOWN EXCLAMATION BEFORE IT. now it is like you are in some sort of latin american funhouse. your sentence is no longer just excited, but now it is excited and A MILLION TIMES MORE ZANY. the sentence just put on rainbow striped clown pants and a tuxedo jacket and is flinging exclamation points about from its breast pocket.
wow that had nothing to do with baked goods. heat stroke I blame you.
I always kind of sneered (I do that a lot if you had not noticed. I would say sneering is one of my strengths. a personal forte if you will) at the loblaws bakery stuff. at this point I must pause to ensure everyone understands my rather clever subject line. I added only one letter (w) but in doing so I formed the word "low" to convey my opinion of the loblaws bakery goods. I guess wordplay should also be considered one of my strong suits.
recap: I did not trust some grocery store bakery to produce any carbohydrate worthy of my consumption. so I would go for the designer label stuff. like dempsters (I usually eat it with a side of krug and caviar). but then mila made me try this caraway rye bread they had. and it was pretty good, and decidely less commercial tasting than dempsters et al.
I guess in summary I will now deign to eat the loblaws bread. it is not bad at all. and they also make challa (pronounced "chal" as in challenge and "la" as in trust me, try this at synagogue and everyone will be impressed with your hebrew) which they do not otherwise carry at loblaws, so that is a bonus point.
sorry that should read tb minus 3 days.
I was kind of sad a few days ago when I opened my tb pills and there were just 5 left. I was going to make a tb minus 5 days post because that is a better number to post about, but I was coughing too vigorously to make it to the computer. I wonder why I have such a bad cough. I am sure it is nothing serious.
bizarrely, however, my special tb vitamin cocktail that I am to take in conjunction with my tb pills has significantly more than 3 pills left. I received the exact same number of each, if manufacturer labels are to be believed. maybe mila has been grinding tb pills in with my meals to try and counteract my threats to stop taking my pills because it would be kind of sweet to have a reportable disease.
at work I have to wash my hands before going in to watch (by watch I mean direct my underlings, do some cutting, generally run the show) each case. there are two choices of soap. one is the classic iodine. it's the yellow foamy stuff, which I assume is what you would see on ER and the like, but I do not watch those shows so this is really little more than conjecture. anyway, it is pretty classic. we are talking big 5urg30n cred. but there is also some new fangled soap, which is just like normal hand soap but decidedly less aromatic. I do find it gentler on the skin vis a vis the iodine but if I use the former I lose the iodocred. as you can see it is rather a massive dilemma that I have on my hands here (FINE! I WILL WRITE FOR YOU, NEW YORKER). yet such are the decisions I must make each and every day. life is complicated.
every time I watch this video I see something new. for instance, I did not realize david was singing at a wedding. THERE ARE ALSO TWO SPECIAL BONUS DASCHUND SCENES. TOTAL OF THREE DASCHUNDS. actually mila spotted them, I guess I was distracted by the special effects.
MY MIND IS EXPLODING. WHY DID REGIS EVER HIRE YOU?
p.s. I am not proud that I just posted three times as a direct result of my watching america's got talent. in fact I am ashamed. big shame.
david just because you once bit into a raw salmon and rode a flying sled you are still not qualified to judge a talent show. futhermore just because you are sitting next to brandy you do not have ghetto cred, so stop it right now and take off your leather coat.
why are you hosting the worst reality talent show I have ever seen? why can I not stop watching this show?
scene: dumplings in skillet
killer move: TEXTBOOK PAN JERK BY YOURS TRULY
we were cooking dumplings for dinner, and the bottoms were nice and brown but the tops had not yet seen the heat. break out the tongs and give each one a flip? this is not amateur hour, that is not how things go down here. I just grabbed the pan and gave it a little wrist, a little arm and those dumplings were flipped faster than ramsay's mouth in the middle of service. I really feel like I connected with this technique tonight, so I wanted to share.
p.s. that is right, london, you heard me. asian dumplings. can you handle that?
okay do not get excited this is just number 47 or something. but I just saw oprah's 20th anniversary show and it was sweet she had so many celebs and big surprises and great moments I MEAN SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS SHOW "OPRAH" I DO NOT WATCH THIS KIND OF DRIVEL JUST ELLEN.
so anyway when my 50th post comes around I want a big blog party with a-list celebs and car giveaways.
some time last year I think, though it may have been earlier this year, I tried to grow a mullet. I am somewhat surprised at myself that I cannot remember when I tried to grow a mullet because it was pretty much the highlight of my life for the few short weeks it lasted.
methods and materials:
1) student/eleve scissors. they are bilingual scissors because they are from canada. they are intended for paperwork and light crafts. however, I find they do a rather nice job with hair.
2) long hair
first, cut your hair short on the top, front and sides. there are no more steps because we are trying to grow a mullet.
allow your hair to grow, then repeat the first step. I will allow that this very instruction could be interpreted as a second step, but I am not one to pad my work by calling it a two step procedure when it is in fact really just a one step. in fact, I believe I repeated the procedure thrice. but I have scruples and so hold firm at a one step.
results:
kind of just looked like I had cut the top of my hair but forgotten the back. which I guess is maybe an authentic mullet style, but I wanted more of a euromullet, for which I think I needed professional help.
further research:
I tried to raise the issue of getting a euromullet when I was getting my hair cut once but she kind of just laughed so I laughed along as though the whole thing was one outrageous joke. HAHAHA BUT IT WAS NOT A JOKE I WAS VERY SERIOUS ABOUT A MULLET AND YOU CRUSHED MY DREAMS.
a couple weeks ago I was at jk wine bar with mila for dinner. some brisket poutine, a peameal bacon sandwich, you know, that is just how we rock it in the t-dot. we were sitting at the chef's bar because we are vip's and also because everyone sits at the chef's bar at this restaurant. or else they sit at the wine bar for which the restaurant is aptly named. so we were sitting at the chef's bar, generally chilling with tobey. tobey is the chef there, and I just used her first name to insinuate that I am fairly firmly plugged into the chef scene. as an aside, that would be quite a misleading insinuation, since I was not at all familiar with tobey prior to this evening.
being at the chef's bar you get to hear all the chef banter. including my favourite live piece of chef banter ever that I have heard so far. one of the servers actually yelled an order out to the kitchen, and then followed it up with "so that's three short ribs ALL DAY." now clearly this does not sound at all exciting, nor does it probably make any sense. first let me tell you that I read a lot of chef books in which they throw around chef jargon like so much grade b foie. so it is really exciting for me to hear this jargon in real life. for the uninitiated, this choice turn of phrase really just means "in total," as in "I am ordering one order of short ribs but I had previously ordered two so now there are three short ribs in total." I am not quite sure why they say "all day" instead of "in total" or even just "total" because it does not really seem to save any time but I guess it is cool and if I were a chef I would use it too because it is awesome.
wow this really does not sound exciting. but I promise that it was a really sweet moment when I heard those words escape out of the kitchen into my (you know it) bionic ears.
I am sitting here with my blogger screen open wondering what I should write about. I am compelled on one hand to post because I read something that says you need to post regularly to get sweet readership. and since I am just in this for the book deal, I need to hit some big numbers here so I can show them to all the editors when they come calling and use them as leverage for bigger cuts of the international sales.
I am however not very moved by any of the ideas that have come into my head. well, there is a sweet cuff style I would like to post about, but I think I should wait because it would be insane if I had two picture posts in the span of days. INSANE!
I hope I get an illustrated book so that I can include my pictures. perhaps I should start taking more photographs of myself so that they can have lots of material for the pictures section. I will probably take them in paparazzi-style because then people will assume by the extreme zoom and slight graininess that I am famous.
p.s. penguin books I chose you because you have the best logo of all the publishers I googled. I will give you right of first refusal on my book. but how could anyone refuse?
