race against the clock

in preparation for some cookies I plan to make on the weekend, I purchased some chocolate. I do not need all of the chocolate for the cookies, so I told mila she could eat some. 6 ounces, to be precise. however I am not all that sure that mila listened to a word I said after I told her she could eat the chocolate, so now I fear it will all be eaten by the time the weekend rolls around.

will mila's belly get full before she eats the 7th ounce? will simon's cookie plans be foiled by mila's voracious appetite? stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.

ho ho ho nog

the latest in the nog saga:

rapport with the dairy man at loblaws is in progress. when I asked sunday why in blazes there was no egg nog on the shelves, he kindly checked in back and reported there was none there either. he then confided in me that the next day's shipment would be replete with nog.

well how about fast forwarding to monday evening, when the same dairy man was on the floor. the dairy man was on the floor, yes, but no nog. so I asked my new friend where the nog was. with a glimmer of recognition (RAPPORT!), he told me that the nog had failed to materialize on their latest shipment. he went on to reveal that the nog was on back order.

first, did you notice the glimmer of recognition? we are pretty tight. I would not be surprised if he sets a few boxes of nog aside just for me

second, how can nog be on back order? back order is for playstation 3's and harry potter novels. nog on back order is the craziest thing I have ever heard. anyway, I hope it is off back order soon, because I am so thirsty.

scheduling mishap

to my hairdresser: they called and said you were sick on monday, but I do not believe that 100%. from our forced discussions while you cut my hair, I have gleaned that you have a weakness for television. so I am kind of suspecting that you called in 'sick' then planted yourself in front of the tube and watched soap operas and dr. phil all day. I cannot fault you there, as I do enjoy the occasional tv marathon.

but did you not know that my hair is really long? do you not understand how much I need it cut? it is quite frankly out of control.

though on the plus side, I think I have enough length in the back now to go for a sweet mullet. I am glad to hear it is expected to be somewhat windy in a few days time, because my mullet is going to be billowing majestically in that breeze let me tell you. fierce billowing.

down by the bay

last weekend, or maybe the weekend before depending on how you slice it, I was at the bay doing some christmas shopping. needless to say, I have never been overwhelmed with the hudson bay company, but my sensibilities were twice offended during that visit, offended so much so that these transgressions simply must be shared.

first infringement on better taste: ye olde christmase carolers. I am all in favour of christmas carols. I am a big fan of the festive spirit. simon's fingers have been twinkling out nothing but hackneyed seasonal tunes of late. but a quartet of singers dressed in victorian era winter garb walking around singing a victorian remix of jingle bells is both depressing and uncomfortable. just pipe some tunes over the speaker system like everyone else does.

second infringement on better taste: on the way out, passing through the men's wear, I saw the perfect emerald green velvet quaffing blazer. so I tried it on. seeing no mirrors in the vicinity, I foolishly asked a passing bay employee where I might find the nearest mirror. well, clearly this man had nothing better to do, because after showing me the mirror, he proceeded to hover over me offering his thoughts on style.

let me interrupt to explain that he was possibly the biggest square I had ever seen. I really cannot overstate how dull and insipid this man looked. I almost fell asleep just looking at him. he was painful. but as I tried on the blazer in a size which, granted, was a shade smaller than a traditional fit, but just right for quaffing wear, he decided to give his input. "I think you're going to find that size a bit tight. very uncomfortable. you're going to have to get the next size up." well, hbc employee with the boring hair and hbc vest, you are a big square. I do not want your style advice. in fact, I am offended that you gave me style advice. furthermore, if I wanted comfort I would be wearing a caftan. hbc man, you are lucky I kept my zingers to myself because I would have devastated you with my razor wit.

celeb lifestyles

I am looking out the window right now and it looks like bloody winter. there is some manner of snow on the roofs of nearby houses, and there is a grey film of cold hanging in the air. very unpleasant looking. if I were a celebrity, or otherwise rich, would I be able to have a series of those patio heaters installed along the length of my walk to school? because that would be downright luxurious. I wonder if they could be cranked up high enough so that I would not even need a coat.

a love for meerkats

last night, just as I was getting into bed, mila yelled out from her office, where she had been sending a quick late night email:

"simon! I think you just got a pretty important msn! you better go check."

so I removed myself from the warm duvet and trekked over to my office. in my cold, dark office, I had received a message from mila:

"Meerkat Marathon!
7AM-8PM Meerkat Manor (Animal Planet) Will 13 straight hours of furry happy goodness cause you to absorb the meerkat's altruism through osmosis?"

well let me tell you I am glad that little note did not wait until morning.

I do not even know where to start on this meerkat business. it is too bizarre. they just film a bunch of meerkats in a field somewhere, and this british narrator provides a melodramatic anthropomorphized voiceover. it is surreal. I cannot imagine who would watch it. other than mila, that is.

remarks on cheese

this past friday I enjoyed a very pleasant dinner at langdon hall. amuse was a pea soup (which struck me as somewhat unseasonal, but what do I know) in what looked like a soy sauce dish (which struck me as trying a bit too hard to score some fusion points, but what do I know). anyway, it was well spiced, and I would say it did a passable job awakening the palate for the coming courses. next was a foie 'pavé' which was not in fact a 'pavé,' at least according to any definitions I could find. in any event, it was quite delicious, if not as hot as it could be. if I recall correctly, the accompaniments were original and very well selected, so extra points for that. after the app (though not after an intermezzo, as one may hope) came a black cod which had seen the broiler long enough to give it a wonderful crust, but certainly not so long as to dry the poor fish out. perfect timing, chef. the fish tasted as though it had perhaps not been flown in that morning, but it was most certainly respectable.

a three star dinner up until now, one might say. but we finally get to the crux of this discussion, and the source of the extra half star that I would later bestow on this dining hall: cheese. since none of the desserts caught my eye, a generously-dimensioned woman was summoned along with her cheese cart. she quite competently walked me through that evening's selections, and guided me to some brilliant choices. a raw milk camembert was particularly enjoyable.

all was not good, however. she of the strained suit-buttons clearly spent more time on gastronomy than on french, and so even after asking her to repeat the names of the cheeses, I was able to note none of them. fearing the wrath of my dining companions if I asked her to write them out for me, I was left with no way to identify the aged beauties on my plate.

so in short, 3 delicious cheese, 0 entries in my cheese diary. tragedy.

tonight at the monthly gathering of local oenophiles, you will be relieved to read, matters were somewhat rectified. 3 delicious cheeses, 3 entries in my cheese diary.

dear blog, perhaps if you are lucky I will share some of my tasting notes with you some other time. I am quite frankly too full of cheese to write any more about them for now. I hope I do not wake up tomorrow with a cheese hangover.

family planning

I think that when I am established, it would be nice to institute some family traditions. for instance, I think it might be fun if every sunday were game night.

maybe a nice squab breast one week, a delicious venison tenderloin the next. and of course nothing says family quite like duck confit. imagine the possibilities!

new discovery

I accidentally switched internet explorer to 'smaller' size font. in the past I have enjoyed 'medium,' but I was too lazy just now to switch it back. I am kind of getting used to it now, and I think I might be enjoying the finer look of 'smaller.' I think when I get home I will also switch to 'smaller' fonts. I suggest you give it a try, it is much classier than 'medium,' which ends up looking rather crass by comparison. I hope this is not the beginning of some addiction cycle though, because maybe in a few weeks I will have to switch to 'smallest' to get my font fix, and then where will I go from there? there is nothing smaller than smallest, that would be impossible. what have I started?

daily nog update

because we would not want a day to go by without a nog post:

I put a little nog in my mug this morning, you know, just to get the day started. just a drop to wet my whistle. so I swilled that down, but then I used that same mug to have my morning coffee. and there was a drop or two of nog left in my mug. result? MOST DELICIOUS CUP OF COFFEE I HAVE EVER HAD. the coffee is still nice and dark and dairy-free, but it is full of festive nog spice. DELICIOUS! HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

my beefs with ralph lauren

I just got an email from mila's uncle, ralph, inviting me to an exclusive private sale on his website. I thought that was very nice of him, inviting me to an exclusive private sale and all.

but then I went to ralph's website and was most dismayed to see that this exclusive private sale was splashed across his home page for all of his non-relatives to see. what is up with that, ralph? not very family-like at all, really. you were pretty much just spamming me. next thing I know you will be forwarding me annoying chain letters. poor play.

to make matters worse, this spectacular purple label peak-lapel velvet blazer in a sublime olive-brown is still too expensive. I was kind of hoping ralph would cut me a deal on that one. how about a smooth mackenzie king, and you throw in free shipping? how does that sound, ralph?

sippin on nog and nog

that first sip of nog is so sweet. it is just one small mouthful of thick dairy, but it is gallons and gallons of festive spirit. I need to decorate a tree or something.

questionable weather

according to the weather network, we are currently experiencing "ice fog." is that a real weather phenomenon? because I have never heard of it before and really cannot imagine what it might be. looking out the window it just looks kind of foggy. maybe I should call the 1-800 stormline number to inquire.

spelling post script

I forgot to spell check that last post, but I just pasted it into word: no errors found! spelling like an allstar! I am reading a book about english now, so that might be why I am such a spelling superstar all of a sudden.

just in time

good thing exams are almost over and we can go to the grocery store, because those snacks I told you about are no longer to be found in our cupboards. with the exception of the walnuts, which I might munch on later tonight, all of those snacks are safely stowed in my belly.

also good thing exams are almost over because I have to watch a few seasons of nip/tuck. I also have some napkins to sew (a manly damask stripe) and pillows to measure for recovering. oh yeah and of course I have to call this chef guy because I have some questions about the menu which I will be enjoying later in the week. I hope I have time!

mole

foreword: I am posting under duress.

we had chicken with some mole sauce last night (as in the spicy mexican sauce, not a unit of science, nor the animal, nor in fact some uterine mass).

mila, in celebration, vowed to wear her mole shirt (as in the animal). whether true or not, this shirt portrays moles as shortsighted (as in myopic, not as in lacking in forward planning). so since mila was too lazy to change shirts, she spent the entire meal squinting at me.

afterword: I could not make this stuff up. mila squished up her little eyes and squinted at me all meal because we were having mole sauce.

snack attack

things are getting dire here at EV HQ. provisions are running low. at last inventory I counted:

40g chocolate digestive cookies. that is 3 cookies. do you know how quickly I eat three cookies? they will be lucky if they make it to noon.

177g cherry yogurt. this is not even a dry carb, my favourite snack variety, so it barely counts. it is delicious though.

57g arrowroots. 9 cookies. these are like paper, I could down 9 cookies without blinking an eye.

69g goldfish crackers (cheddar cheese flavour). I could pour the bag into my mouth right now and not even have to chew. that is not many goldfish.

21g walnuts. that is about 7 walnut halves plus some crumbs. that will all be gone with my 4pm oprah-inspired cheese and apple snack NO WAIT WE ARE OUT OF CHEESE.

so as you can see I am in grave danger of running out of snacks before exams end on wednesday. can one mail-order snacks? will grocerycheckout fulfil an order for a bag of nibs, some wheat thins and a box of simple pleasures? NO EGGNOG AND NO SNACKS? NO WONDER I CANNOT SEEM TO GET ANY STUDYING DONE! I AM MALNOURISHED!

feeling faint... hypoglycaemia setting in... no strength left to typ

eggnog p.s.

p.s. if you are at the store could you please bring me a box or two? I am craving it now and I am holed up studying so cannot go to the store for the next little bit. okay I am reading blogs but still could you please bring me some? I will settle for the pc but do not bring the blue menu it tastes like water.

eggnog remorse

no I did not just down 2L of the stuff and I do not have killer bloat as a result. I wish. I have remorse because thinking about that eggnog reminded me how one of my favourite ways to enjoy it was in a delicious nog latte. but my espresso machine is broken so I will not be able to enjoy my favourite holiday drink.

eggnog I love you

I am 100% pumped because the loblaws flyer came today and they had eggnog in it. I am going to buy so many boxes of that sweet nectar. they only had pictures of the PC regluar and the blue menu, but I hope they have neilson because it is by far my favourite. I AM GOING TO CHUG THAT STUFF BIG TIME. LITRES AND LITRES OF IT.

overheard

"guaranteed, k fed was a total sperm bank - GUARANTEED."

guess who.

playlist advice

did I just add diana krall's christmas cd to my playlist? why yes I did, so get ready for some festive cheer.

do not get carried away though. keep it under 5% of your playlist. do not even think about going for undiluted christmas tunes, it is way too early for that. also I suggest something akin to diana's tunes - heavy on the jazz, light on the jesus. you certainly do not want to be hearing about mangers and holy children until december, at least. the restrained might give it the extra day or two and play it cool until advent.

crispers all dressed - 200 g

the slick metallic bag says you can look forward to some potato chips within, yet the grocery store shelf position says cracker. no matter what you hear, as soon as you tear open the bag you know that Kraft has hit one out of the park here with their 200 grams of easy open and reclosable snack. great structure, with very little crumbling even after aging in the cupboard for a good week. a powerfully spicy nose lies in wait, drawing you in for a generous handful of this snack cracker. make it two handfuls, for this powerhouse bouquet is no empty temptress. this cracker starts very confidently with some classic all dressed kick. assertive yet coy through the middle, these Crispers mellow out to a smooth, smoky finish. this riproarer of a cracker is robust enough to enjoy on its own, but it is also gentleman enough to sit back and let a sparkling lemonade shine through. the crunch of the cracker is perhaps the one weak point in Kraft’s offering – no doubt hobbled by the light touch on the trans fat. nonetheless, this cracker is a winner. enjoy now through 12/07.

high end tastes

as mila flips through her instyle, she is always very generous in sharing it with me. every time she gets to an extravagant gown, or some massive jewelery, she always takes the time out of her reading to disturb me from mine so that I too may enjoy the splendor of whatever it is that has caught her fancy. this is usually followed by a "siiiimon, they're just $1200! pleeeease? I need new boots."

last night, mila gave out perhaps her greatest squeal of excitement yet. "mmmmm! simon!" what had mila come across this time? some piece of couture with thousands of diamonds hand-sewn in? a jewel encrusted watch? the ultimate flats? nope. it was a full page image of a chocolate chip cookie. "siiiimon! pleeease? I love pepperidge farm!"

o flavour, where art thou

why was I sucked in by your $1.44 price tag? just because you are on sale does not mean you are delicious! o lackluster mouthfeel! president's choice arrowroot I knew you to be inferior but I fell for you anyway.

the november tragedy

one of the best days in the shopping year is november the 1st. much to my delight, retailers all over the country celebrate this day with price slashing on a wide range of products. from miniature chocolate bars to little bags of gummies to tiny bags of potato chips (worst halloween treat in the world, fyi. nobody wants that stuff), grocery stores and other purveyors of food-related products aggressively slash their prices on these halloween treats. the price wars are vicious, yet they are so sweet.

so you can understand that I was somewhat excited to hit loblaws yesterday. visions of a cart full of candy filled my mind. also visions of hemorrhoids because yesterday we had the long-anticipated anal and perianal disease lecture. wow there is some gross stuff going on down there.

anyways, so I pull into loblaws, giddy with anticipation. it appears they had replaced the entryway halloween display with christmas. that is okay, they probably just moved the halloween to the back somewhere, no worries. so after suffering through the produce section we finally got to the back of the store where I expected to see piles of candy. nope, just vacuum-packed chickens and reduced price pork ribs. still, no reason to panic. they probably moved all the halloween stuff to the snack aisle or something. but even after passing through every aisle in the store, our cart was still devoid of halloween candy.

the cashier suggested they might have run out of halloween candy. since this seemed a rather outlandish suggestion given that halloween was only 3 days past, I was pleased when the cashier eagerly paged the dry goods manager. no halloween candy in the entire store, said the dry goods manager. THIS IS SO UNACCEPTABLE. BOB RUNDLE, MANAGER OF OUR LOBLAWS, WHY DID YOU NOT ORDER ENOUGH HALLOWEEN CANDY? I HAVE SEEN YOU IN REAL LIFE AND YOU ARE NOT VERY TALL. I suggest you scrounge up some candy from the back room or I will egg your store next time I am there. I will not even have to buy the eggs, I will just grab them from your display case. YOU ARE GOING DOWN, SHORTY.

monitored buttering

tonight we made risotto. after mila cooked the bacon, she threw in the mushrooms. I felt they absorbed a bit too much of the fat so I quickly tossed in a modest hunk of butter before adding the arborio.

what did mila say to that? surely a pat on the back for saving the risotto. perhaps a congratulatory remark for ensuring adequate fat in which to saute the rice. maybe even mad props for being so cognizant of the awesome powers of butter, and not being afraid of harnessing those awesome powers

well mila said none of those things. instead she exclaimed that I had added an obscene amount of butter. it was 1, maybe 1 1/2 tablespoons, tops. "what are you doing!?" exclaimed my co-chef.

"you have reached new lows, adding butter to bacon," said mila. this is not the kind of response I expected when I grabbed that stick of butter. there is one appropriate response to adding more butter to a dish, and that response is "keep it coming."

no, mila did not approve. instead she said that if I do not mend my ways she will have to enrol me in monitored slicing. I will not be allowed to slice off chunks of butter without supervision. well, mila, I am the man of the house and I will butter my risotto as much as I please. if I am sauteing some cauliflower, I will answer to no woman when throwing some milk fat into the pan. as I finish a pan sauce with a dab or two of butter, I may just make it three if that is how I feel, no matter what my female co-chef says. I am man, hear me roar.