tempeh-st in a teapot

seen in among cookbooks for outdoor gatherings, holiday celebrations and no-sweat fetes: 'entertaining vegetarians'. now there's an oxymoron. seriously, vegetarians must be the least entertaining category of people I know. who wants to sit through another lecture on the environmental footprint of eating steak, or the mindboggling quantities of antibiotics that were pumped into your chicken breast? aren't antibiotics good for you, anyway? I am pretty sure that doctors give those out a lot, so they must be pretty healthy. much ado about nothing, it would seem.

bar mitzvah card, where are jew?

not in london, apparently.

chapters, amidst rows and rows of trendy and attractive greeting cards, had a whopping three for bar mitzvahs, each of which was utterly atrocious. one did at least have some hand-done detail, but in truth, no amount of bespoke work could have redeemed the heinous blue and gold 'mazel tov' scrawled across the front. hallmark, despite carrying a fairly extensive selection of rosh hashanah cards, had only two for bar mitzvahs, which were outdone in their ugliness only by the offerings at carlton, which also gave only two to choose from.

like, shalom, is there no purveyor of fine judaica around here somewhere?

red alert

madeleine peyroux, I sure hope old navy paid you a lot to use your cover of 'blue alert' in their latest denim ad. maybe your bohemian years in paris failed to expose you to the mass market apparel brand you are currently shilling for, but I really do not think it is the kind of image you are looking for.

watermelon

tonight for my evening snack I had a bag of popcorn and a few slices of watermelon. I actually sliced and ate the watermelon while the popcorn was popping. I finished eating my watermelon just as the popcorn finished in the microwave, so I guess this snack would probably rank as one of my most efficient ever. anyways, I was looking into watermelons to see if they were somehow nutritious enough to counteract the calorie-drenched and transfat-sodden popcorn. well, good news: the national watermelon promotion board assures me that watermelons are not only delicious, but also healthy. also did you know that watermelons originated in the kalahari desert and that the first watermelon harvest occurred in egypt? I would not have guessed that. also good to know, china grew 150 billion pounds of watermelon last year. if you are interested, I can send you the table of the top 15 producers of watermelons, because it was really quite surprising. fyi, canada is not on the list, which is too bad, but maybe next year we will do better.

p.s. I am very worried that those hyphens up there are grossly inappropriate, but it is way past my bedtime and to be quite honest it is a miracle I can even muster the energy to operate the internet, so I will let that potential grammar faux pas slide.

p.p.s. who am I kidding? I am never too tired for the internet. maybe I can squeeze in an episode of clark & michael before bed.

p.p.p.s. watermelon is the 'lycopene leader' of fresh produce. sounds healthy!

I did some thinking about my presentation after all

they say success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, so surely tomorrow's toasty high of 27 is just right for a blazer.

conundrum

well whoever is in charge of tuesdays sure bungled it this time: the america's got talent finale is tonight, but I also have a presentation to give tomorrow morning. now what will I do? watch the finale of jerry springer's lowbrow hit talent show, or dust off powerpoint and figure out what to say tomorrow am? okay, well obviously that is a rhetorical question, so I guess the real question would be: does anyone have any elbow data on hand that they could email me in powerpoint format by 9am tomorrow?

geography lesson

what kind of podunksville city has a level train crossing in the middle of its busiest street?

the london kind!

hi-lights

a rank list of simon's general luminaire preferences, for your convenience:

1. table lamp
2. pendant lamp
3. floor lamp
4. ceiling lamp
5. wall sconce
6. buffet lamp

honestly, who likes buffet lamps?

a cut below

hairdresser, just so we are on the same page, if I ever want my hair to be cut to a constant, monotonous length, I will be sure to let you know. until then, feel free to incorporate some texture. to be fair, I was probably somewhat unclear when I requested "lots of texture" or later, when I added "nice length, but just a bit more texture".

p.s. if I wanted to itch for the rest of the evening I would have cut my hair myself. perhaps you should take a weekend course in basic cape handling.

neighbourhood watch

to the friendly neighbour who was standing in the lobby but who did not open the door for me when I arrived with my arms full of groceries:

it is reassuring to see that people are taking the security of the building seriously. you never know when a cat burglar is going to show up with decoy loblaws bags full of decoy peaches and decoy low-carb hamburger buns and decoy swedish berries, all in a gutsy attempt to trick you into admitting him to the secured confines of EV HQ. constant vigilance!

at least I got a quiznos sub for dinner

tonight mila is enjoying the annual EV family lobster dinner in toronto. by now she is probably sitting on the patio, sipping on after dinner drinks.

meanwhile, simon is putting cadaver arms back in the freezer and washing cadaver juice off the counter, trying not to splash himself too much.

I seriously hope this is not a foreshadowing of things to come.

to mila, in toronto

thanks a lot for taking the tweezers. I have grooming needs too, you know.

attn: houseguests

hypothetically speaking, if you were visiting for a couple of weeks, would you expect to find any vacant closet space?

good, because all of our closets are full of my clothes.

big tobacco

it is really too bad that people do not smoke anymore. ashtrays seem like such a great gift. they are impersonal enough to give to almost anyone, available at any price point, practical, and small enough to tuck away in a basement corner when they clash with the decor. I think I would have kept one or two ashtrays on hand at all times, for gifting emergencies, had I lived in a more nicotine-laden era.

pro-tobacco lobby, you are welcome to use this angle in future campaigns. you can give me an ashtray in thanks.

p.s. ketchup pringles are so delicious but they are giving me a tummy ache.