monochrome cinemas

rainbow cinemas, you have 6 or so screens on which you play the usual blockbuster drivel. that leaves 2 screens free from julia roberts and vin diesel. the only other theatre nearby is a silvercity which is far too infested with tweens, teens and townies (the triple t crowd, as I like to say) for my comfort. so that leaves 2 screens for me to see movies on. so if one of those screens is full of al gore going on about global warming all summer, and if I have already seen that movie, that leaves one screen for me to see movies. now you see, rainbow cinemas, if you play garbage on that other screen, there are no movies for me to see. and then when I talk to someone from toronto I end up looking like some country bumpkin because I am woefully behind on the art house fare. so please, rainbow cinemas, stop making me look like a country bumpkin.

pepper is the new salt

you heard it here first. the days of precariously salted dishes emerging from the kitchen are drawing to a close. lobes of foie with a selection of 12 artisanal salts are going to be very early 2000s. tellicherry is the new kosher, szechuan the new fleur.

required reading

I am currently reading a textbook about ecg's for class. on page 95 of this book is this mathematical gem:

"multiplying by ten may be done by placing a zero on the right side of the number"

I will confess that this is an introductory text. it is intended for the beginner medical student. but I cannot believe that this author just wasted my time with what was, according to the ministry of education, supposed to have been learned in grade 4. I could have been looking for sweaters on ebay or something.

el grande lie

as part of the multicultural dining program enjoyed at exquisite vanity headquarters, we occasionally take a trip down to old el paso and have mexican nights. my preferred vehicle for mexican flavours is probably the classic taco. I really like the hard taco shells, and the fluorescent orange seasoning mix is pretty sweet too. so mila and I have been having the occasional taco night for a bit over a year now. I have always known mila did not love the hard taco shell. as a concession to me she would always agree to go for the hard shell, but she would often create a taco salad by breaking her shell into little pieces and then dressing it. I thought this was a suitable arrangement, and mila seemed content.

last night we switched things up. went a little loco. instead of the usual taco, we opted for fajitas. and what did mila tell me? THAT SHE DOES NOT LIKE TACOS. WE HAVE BEEN LIVING A MEXICAN LIE THE ENTIRE TIME WE HAVE LIVED HERE.

this presents two problems:
first problem: I do not love fajitas as much as I love tacos. mila, as I now know, no gustas tacos. must we abolish mexican night from the rotation? surely that is drastic, but what else to do?
second problem: what of all my fond memories of taco nights? and what if there are other international nights that mila secretly loathes? que problemas.

my day so far

got dressed (sweet orange and pink gingham shirt/green tie with pink polka dots combo. well, I thought it was sweet)
breakfast (featuring reese's peanut butter puffs)
poured some coffee in my travel mug (it was still hot at 2 pm. that is 6 hours of thermal insulation)
walked to school (I ran into some yahoo about halfway there who did not seem to have any concept of the protocol surrounding two individuals walking the same route. I could not shake him for so long. finally I sprint walked and cut him off before we got onto a bridge)
pelvic exam
went to the mall (returned some pants, bought a cookbook)
had lunch (sandwich)
investigated law school (confirmed that law students do not, in fact, have to do pelvic exams)
booked lsat

why did no one tell me this sooner

I was just doing some leisure reading about wild game. so venison is a kind of group term for deer and other antlered animals. right, tell me something I do not know, internet. humble is the term for venison's organ meats. what in blazes? why has no one ever told me this before? humble pie? that is pie made from such meats. I did not know that. thanks for keeping me informed, internet. I have been living for 22 years deprived of this knowledge, knowledge which is both interesting and delicious.

OH GOD I AM SEEING A KILLER DISH AND LET ME TELL YOU IT INVOLVES SQUAB CONFIT AND CARIBOU LIVER MOUSSE IN SOME MANNER OF PASTRY. I WILL TELL MY WAITERS TO SAY "chef has asked you to eat crow, and has also sent a side of humble pie" IT WILL BE SUCH A NOVELTY IRONIC DISH. guests will titter enthusiastically as my waiters point to everything with their pinkies.

draining issue

I like a nice cold glass of water before I go to bed. sometimes I indulge in a couple of glasses, despite mila's warnings regarding nighttime incontinence. in fact, I love getting up in the middle of the night, it is so quiet and peaceful. there is nothing quite like a 3am awakening, it is pure luxury.

so these glasses of water have to be ice cold, because that is how I like my water. mila prefers her water lukewarm because she has some tooth sensitivity issues. I try to get her to brush with sensodyne but she does it for a day or two, then upon noticing no improvement in her condition discontinues its use.

to get my water nice and cool, I like to blast the tap for a few minutes so that it can cool down. I know all the posters tell you not to run the tap while you brush your teeth, save water, and so on. but the water comes out of the lake, and then down the sink, and back into the lake. it is a zero sum game. so I really do not know why they are all on your back about running the tap. anyway I run the tap at full flow, but I can only do it for so long because the sink starts to fill up. now I do not expect the sink to keep up with full flow, that would be a luxury not even I could imagine. but I would say the break-even point, the point of dynamic equilibrium, is about 20% flow, 30% tops. that does not strike me as satisfactory. surely a reasonable residential sink should be able to handle at least half power. do all sinks drain in such a lackluster manner? or have I simply clogged ours with the cuttings from my barber shears. I MEAN HAS MILA SIMPLY CLOGGED OURS WITH HER GIRL HAIR. I ACCEPT NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR CLOGGED SINK. NOT MY FAULT.

I will perhaps buy some liquid plumber and conduct a scientific study of drain rates before and after my experimental intervention. do not worry, I will post full results. also please give me some comments on it so that I can claim it as a peer reviewed paper and add it to my cv.

headline news

from yahoo: "clinton, fox anchor battle in interview"

clinton's weapon of choice: trident
fox anchor's weapon of choice: throwing spear

killer abs

just so that no one is surprised when I have an awesome six pack today, yesterday I increased my daily situps to 40.

letter to the editor

on saturday I like to do the cryptic crossword in the globe. it is made by my highschool math teacher, so that is pretty cool. do not be jealous of my connections, I just roll in different circles, that is all. anyway, next to the crossword is a column by warren clements. now I say it is by him but he does not actually write it. he just writes a word challenge of some sort, some 'literary' game, and then tout le simple minded canada writes in with their stupefyingly unfunny answers. and again, I say he writes a word challenge, but in fact he merely prints a word challenge submitted by one of his simple readers. so I do not really know what warren adds to this column, other than his creepy mug which looks disturbingly like william h. macy, but in a bad way. william h. macy's geeky brother, perhaps. and all of this is a shame, because I think warren clements actually likes words and does write a sweet etymology column in the weekday globe sometimes.

for instance, warren clements this saturday published some reruns from august (I hope he did not get paid for this) when he asked for readers to suggest "instances of extreme caution." some sample responses to this witless question:

"he wore safety goggles to eat grapefruit". that is rather sensible, as grapefruit spray can be quite aggressive. furthermore, and more importantly, it is not in the least funny.

"he had his car towed to the garage when it reached the 'service at' mileage." okay dude, maybe if you had taken your car in a few miles before you got to the 30k you would not be in this predicament. you have no one to blame but yourself, and you are even less funny than safety goggles up there.

"she never drove anywhere without first testing the airbags." yeah, because motor vehicle accidents are like comedy on wheels. air bags save lives, warren. try not to be such a jerk next time.

in conclusion, warren clements, that weak attempt at a comedy smirk in your picture does not make your column funny. I will also have you know that I sometimes draw a moustache on you while I work on the adjacent puzzle. it is a good thing your challenge is never "suggest a columnist on the back page of the books section who is not funny" because I would smoke you so hard.

blog look what you have done

I was all busy blogging and now my cheerios are soggy.

rack it and stupid

the ttc in toronto recently started installing bike racks on the front of some of their busses. that is all good, save some gas, ride some bikes, ride some transit, go planet. but they called this program "rack it and rocket," the 'rocket' being a nickname for the ttc.

that slogan makes me want to hop in a hummer and do doughnuts in a parking lot with the a/c on full and the windows down. ttc, that is a lame-o slogan. I do not know what was wrong with my suggestion "ride your bike then put it on a bike rack and ride a ttc bus." I think it is much more clear and it at least does not make me want to pour gasoline and motor oil down a storm drain out of spite.

open letter

dear school,
cc: northern latitude

it has recently come to my attention that it is too dark for me to wake up in the morning. it displeases me greatly to have to rouse myself while it is still black out. please rectify this situation immediately.

do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions.

thanks, yours truly, kindest regards, and sincerely,
simon

five spice blt pita

mila is excited about her upcoming birthday. she has been talking about her birthday plans for a good couple weeks now, and her birthday is not for a couple weeks more. her birthday lunch, for example, has been thoroughly planned. she intends to experience some teriyaki, from the teriyaki experience kiosk at our school. beef with noodles, and she assures me that she will say 'yes' to mushrooms. she also tells me that she plans to imbibe nothing other than a chocolate milk, 500mL size thank you very much. simple pleasures, I guess.

anyway the teriyaki experience man presents a very convincing front for the asian food offered. he is quite at home with the bean sprouts and tofu and teriyaki sauce. "BEEF OR CHICKEN?" or "HOW MANY SCOOPS SAUCE?" all sound quite authentically asian. he lords over the rice cooker as though he were born to scoop rice. his chopsticks are a blur as he flings noodles about. unfortunately, the teriaki man must also sometimes double as the pita pit man. the two counters are connected, so he just slides over and starts slinging alfalfa and shredded lettuce. I have no doubt that he is a master of fusion cuisine, yet somehow I am leary of a "CHICKEN CAESAR PITA!" coming from him. one has to hope that the soy and the mayo squeeze bottles are sufficiently separated I guess.

so no real punch line here, mila just brought me my coffee from the kitchen and made me promise to blog about her in exchange. mercenary!

help I live with a gangster

"yo, I'm going to have a snack. you feeling it?" said mila.

dreamer, nothing but a dreamer

ellen has started a list of things she wishes to do in her life. so I thought maybe if I started a list they would give me a talk show. with this in mind, I give you my list.

simon's culinary dreams:

commercial-strength vent hood
whipped foie gras on foie gras tuiles with a foie gras shooter
be a sous chef
have a sous chef
lifetime membership in the single-origin-chocolate-a-week club
direct phone numbers for ferran adria, thomas keller, wylie dufresne, heston blumenthal and gordon ramsay.

not so great expectations

last night I saw a trailer for the upcoming movie 'the guardian.' it features ashton kutcher in a non-ironic role, which makes me quite nervous. I think it must also have made the producers somewhat nervous, as all they could muster, even in the thundering voice of hollywood hyperbole, was "the movie event of the fall". I think we all know that is patently false. so the producers might as well have cranked it up a bit. I mean seriously, the movie of the year, the movie of the decade, even the movie of the summer. those are all valid periods in which to have a movie event. but movie of the fall? that is the most half-hearted endorsement I have ever heard.

then again mila just told me that ashton just installed a wetbar in his closet. so perhaps they were even stretching it with the fall.

tattoos

mila and I were almost late for school today. we were almost late for school because mila wanted to put on a tattoo. no, she had to put on a tattoo. it was a tattoo of a snake. it is like I live with a ten year old boy.

healthy breakfast

my standby breakfast cereal is cheerios. they are both delicious on their own, and neutral enough to allow for accessorizing. but a while ago when we were at the store, I noticed that reese's peanut butter puffs were on sale. "oh, I had better just get some for afternoon snacking and the like," I lied. I enjoyed them as promised for a few days, but then began working them into my morning meal. actually, if you compare the nutrients, they are pretty similar to cheerios. riboflavin, iron, calories - reese's has got all the same things as cheerios. it is like health food with all that riboflavin.

but this morning as I finished the box off, I noticed there were no cereal crumbs. you know how the bottom of the box usually has all those little bits of cereal, and some cereal dust? none. it was just spheres of reese's, and then it was empty. I must confess this was a little disconcerting. I mean what do they do to the cereal so that it stays in its little spheres right down to the bottom of the box? big chemicals is what, I reckon. too bad I had already bought a jumbo box for backup. well, too bad for my liver, or something, but great for morning deliciousness!

I am number 1

okay I had an elaborate cover story as to why I was googling "exquisite vanity". but how about we just drop the lies and I will confess that I was googling my own blog. and how about we just say that I no longer need to put -sink -fair -ebay -light -antique to get my blog to come up to the top.

critical condition

in the past year and a few weeks we have had a constant stream of doctors standing at the front of a lecture hall, attempting to impart some undoubtedly important facet of medicine upon us. they have stood at the front of the lecture hall clicking through power points. they have stood at the front of the lecture hall reading through lists. they have stood at the front of the lecture hall scrawling on chalk boards. up until now, they have stood at the front of the lecture hall sporting a range of vestmental atrocities. not a wide range, mind, since there is only so much room for maneuvering between ugly and atrocious. fashion was in critical condition.

but yesterday the reign of ill-fitting trousers, $15 shirts and $10 ties ended. the chalk-covered, missing-button, tattered blazer was banished. the saviour of style arrived in a glory of spread collars and french cuffs. he fearlessly blazed into the classroom, side vents flowing open behind him. brown shoes with his grey suit? he hath brought it. voluptuous tie knot with perfect dimple? hallelujah, the redeemer is here. this sartorial jesus arrived today and stood before us. I am here to save you, said his contrast collar and cuffs. I am here to deliver you from the underdressed heathen, said the glimmer of his cufflinks. and he wore it all with confidence and he wore it all with panache. and we were saved.

praise be to fashion.

just one more game

I am hooked on tripeaks. I just keep winning, I cannot stop playing. it is my gift and my curse, tripeaks is.

"I AM NOT A MOVIE STAR"

why is lance bass all over the toronto film fest? he has not existed for the past half decade, but then he gets a people cover and a reality tv boyfriend, and now he is mister party circuit. what is up with that? I mean sure, I would understand if they invited him to some third-tier public invite type deal but opening gala? holts? flow? chilling in the vip with j. lo? also, reality tv boyfriend is wearing the same shirt in a lot of pictures, so uh, snap, I guess.

put that holster away

people who may validly carry a cell phone in a waist holster:

1) batman

therefore everyone who is not batman, please remove your cell phone from your waist immediately.

poppin' my collar

three 6 mafia (who, incidentally, do not wear a single collared shirt throughout their entire cruise in the 'scalade) was rapping to me about poppin' my collar, so I decided to investigate this poppin' business. wiki says the following on the issue:

"one element of this trend [sic] that went mainstream and remained popular for most of the decade were short shirt collars worn unfolded against the neck with the top one or two buttons unfastened."

the author then continues with a stern warning:

"except in the most conservative communities this became standard casual wear for both men and women. with the exception of business suits, to wear one's collar folded appeared awkward or stuffy."

first, it took me so long to realize that a short shirt collar worn unfolded against the neck is a popped collar. why did they not just write "popped"? more importantly, what kind of frat boy wrote this article? who died and made folded collars akward or stuffy? wikipedia you are on thin ice.

mint chocolate chip

I would say that my two favourite ice cream flavours are pralines and cream and mint chocolate chip. there are enough pralines and creams at the store, so that is okay. but there is just one variety of mint chocolate chip, and it is one of those ghetto ones in the cardboard box. we are talking no lid here, just soggy cardboard flaps. why does every brand not have a mint chocolate chip in its lineup? I would concede that mint double-c might not make the medal round competing against vanilla, chocolate and strawberry, but surely it would hit the top 5. are kids today too good for chocolate flakes in green ice cream? am I passe? is mcc too 90s? someone just tell me, because I am not above changing ice cream alliances to stay in with the cool kids.

by the way, I would say that pralines and cream is probably the most classy ice cream. not trying to toot my own horn here or anything, but if the opera pump fits...

sesame oil

I am a big fan of fat and oil. more so the fats, as they give you butter (a close relative of my good friend whipping cream) and lard, but oils are pretty sweet too. I think they all have a bad rap. or rep, I am not sure. I could see rap, because a rap sheet is a thing, but then again I do not really know what a rap sheet is. is it a list of bad guys? or is it a list of things a bad guy has done? either way I guess one could have a bad rap sheet. but I could also see rep being short for reputation. maybe I will look that up later, a little etymological treat for before bed.

anyway, when I think about it, I have not really explored the world of oils. canola, chili, olive, sesame, truffle. that is pretty much it I guess. five oils. in the world of oils that is like north america plus cuba and belize. I do not even know what belize is. is it related to brazil? it is pretty small on a map, smaller than cuba but I think bigger than jamaica. definitely bigger than the bahamas, but I will bet the bahamas has more coastline. (have? another treat for before bed!)

so yeah oils, I have made some oils in the past, lemon (key for the amateur foodie classic, the thomas keller salmon cornet), mint, onion, chive, thyme, clove, but they are really just flavoured oil derivatives. I feel I am missing out on many key basics. I would enjoy if grapeseed were my house oil, and of course there are all the nut oils (I feel I could really connect with peanut, and what about almond and walnut?). clearly we are just talking liquid oils. do not get me started on the fats.

so really the moral of the story here, what is up with sesame oil? the bottle always gets really oily, more so than any other oil bottle. just food for thought I guess. PUN INTENDED. I LOVE A GOOD PUN.

tasting note: superfries

I forgot that I promised tasting notes on the mccain superfries.

well let me tell you that they were not super. they present with a feeble nose of plastic and freezer. attack is satisfactory, with oil and metal notes playing backup to the potato lead. the fries present no resistance to the bite, yielding far sooner than a fry that bills itself as xtra crispy ought to. mouthful is sufficiently full, though the floury texture is certainly less than impressive. the finish is mercifully short given the commercial flavour that lingers. one is forced to wonder whether the trans fat compromise hurt this fry, taking away too much of the meatiness and crisp exterior that one desires. 2.5/5.

globe and my ideas

globe and mail do you have a reporter spy in my home? a spy camera? perhaps you have wire tapped my phones. actually that is probably what it is, because sometimes the phone cuts into other people's conversations and we can listen to the entire thing. they cannot hear us, so I am unable to make scathing comments regarding their lives. well I still make them, they just cannot hear me.

anyway, in today's style section? I think it was the style section. other sections it could be in include the toronto section and the review. if it were in any other section I probably would not have read it. sometimes I turn through all the pages in the front section so that it looks like someone has read it, but I usually just look at the pictures. I think I may have mentioned this before, but I am not ashamed to read the style section so I will mention it again. so yeah, in today's style section? some home decor advice. the reporter spy suggested filling a vase with jelly beans or something. well globe and mail guess what we have filled our front hall vase with? jelly beans. they are both ironic and delicious. so I guess it is flattering that you steal my ideas, but it would be more flattering if you would give me a shout out next time. just a word up to simon in the faux-lo, thanks.

p.s. those jelly beans came from the bulk barn. we have spent over $177 at the bulk barn in the last year. oh god I am such a fat townie. I hate fat townies, what have I done.

typography

I AM SO EXCITED. IN 2007 A MOVIE CALLED HELVETICA WILL BE RELEASED. IT IS A DOCUMENTARY ALL ABOUT THE FONT HELVETICA. I also just discovered the amazing world of typography blogs. I am never leaving the internet.

chef talk

toronto chefs with whom I have communicated:

david lee (email and personal chat. complimented him on the fish courses. they really were superb.)
tobey nemeth (personal chat. there was rapport potential. her line chef gave me some walnuts.)
yannick b. (actually not a chef, but we have emailed. I suggested a host/guest menu system, but he pointed out that the north american clientele was not ready for this. we shared some unspoken nostalgia for the old world. mila is also good friends with him.)
charmaine baan (she once gave me a recipe.)
chris mcdonald (we have emailed. he gave me a recipe which combined with a gordon ramsay version of the same dish produces one of my favourite desserts.)
pat riley (more email. he sent me a recipe for radish consomme. I have not yet used it, but before I got his version I did some trial runs which turned out to be similar to his instructions. I was never truly impressed.)

toronto chefs with whom I have not communicated:

susur lee. I called him a few years ago for his recipe for a black cod dish. I was informed that it was a susur policy not to give out recipes. and he was not even using it anymore, he had given the dish to his former sous chef to use at lee. thanks for being a team player, susur lee. that is called not sharing. anyway, I next contacted him via letter following a service fiasco at his restaurant in march. no word, though I was assured by the manager that he had received the letter. so I followed up last week, on a whim. still no word. susur lee, you are on my black list. I do not know why toronto life gave you your final half star back. I would take it away, and put you on probation to the 3.5 star level. that is right, alongside jamie "hearty and casual" kennedy and right next to the terrace at the fifth. that is a grill, susur lee, a grill.

superfries

inexplicably, for the past few weeks mila has been demanding of me at every meal: where are my superfries? it did not matter what we were eating. pizza? where are my superfries. stirfry? where are my superfries. cheerios? where are my superfries. she had never once attempted to buy them in the store nor had she ever expressed any interest in frozen potato products. so I really do not understand why I was getting so much heat for not providing her with mccain superfries.

today we were at the store and the premium fries were on sale. regular mccain superfries I would refuse, but xtra crispy shoestring superfries are I guess okay. well, not really, I still think they are lowbrow. if I had a deep fryer, my dream appliance, I would not have to put up with this mccain stuff, but I guess in the interim I will just have to slum it with the premium fries. I will report back later with my tasting notes.

ellenisback

dear justin,
did you forget some of the words to your song? why were you just holding your mike out to the audience like that? it is a good thing timbaland knew the words. also no offence but I think timbaland would be more interesting to interview than yourself.

p.s. your little charcoal 3-piece dior homme tux is awesome.

schedule

wednesday: woohoo frosh week
thursday: paaaarty
friday: orientation party
saturday: sweeeet kegger
sunday: more partaaays
monday: civic holiday fetivities wooooo
tuesday: lipophilic physiologic cyclophosphamide cytochrome p450 in vivo pentobarbitol oxidation reduction lidocaine fantastic

I thought the first day back was for making signs with our names to go on our desks and decorating our lockers.

p.s. my printer just jammed while printing notes. thanks school.

woe is me

will my life never be perfect? I just noticed they forgot the gauntlet buttons on my new shirt from hk. it is like they are using illegal cheap labour or something.

whither the bling?

I just read that bling is dead. what is up with that? why did no one tell me sooner? I must have looked like such a fool last night in my iced out s-unit medallion. THANK GOODNESS I MISREAD THAT AND WENT BACK TO DOUBLE CHECK. no, the good people over at gq have it on good word that bling is not dead. so do not worry 50 cent, that shirt you made with your bedazzler for the vma's is still cool.