I forgot to mention my bamboo
yes, there is another plant here. first you thought there were three, because that is what I said. then I added on a sage plant, so we were peachy at four. but would you believe that I forgot the very first plant I ever got? it is like a bloody greenhouse in here, let me tell you. if the london police came by because they suspected a grow-op I would not be at all surprised, because that is simply how lush this place is.
well, the bamboo doesn't grow in soil, so perhaps that can be my excuse for forgetting to include it on my initial survey of the foliage in my vicinity. it is in a tall glass vase that I got at target. did I buy it in canada? no, because they do not have target in canada. is this a shame? yes, it is an enormous shame because target has reasonably priced goods of high quality for both you and your home. anyway, this imported glass vase contains two bamboos. I am really not that happy about that, because I think it would look a lot better with three. I bought them a long time ago, so I am no longer really sure why I just got two. maybe I was saving my money for future simon, who would want to spend it on shirts from hong kong.
these two bamboo have not been doing so well lately. I tried moving them to my office for a bit, thinking the light might be a bit more gentle in here for their tender leaves. but then I think they just got sicker. so I decided to fertilize them, because I realized I had never fertilized them in the many years I had owned them. the only problem was that the only fertilizer I have is for cacti. but it's fertilizer, right? so I can just put a few drops in the bamboo water and the bamboo will probably start growing really quickly and look quite resplendent in a few days time. WRONG. completely erroneous. without any basis in fact. my bamboo are in no way improved, and now there is nasty green skunge growing on my bamboo rocks that sit in the bottom of the vase. I get sweet zen relaxation now when I look at all that garbage growing in my pristine brita-filtered bamboo water. sorry guys, typo. that should read zen rage.
if my memory serves me correctly, in a speech I once compared my life to this same bamboo. if so, my life is now in shambles. but I might have been comparing bamboo to my high school, can't really remember. in that case, I guess now would be a good time to change schools or something.
p.s. I used that cactus fertilizer today to fertilize my cactus because my computer reminded me that today was watering and fertilizing day. my computer flashes warnings on my screen about plant care. that is how serious I am about these plants.
9 comments:
I have zen rage. Get your wilted bamboo sticks and their creepy green water out of my living room.
The people responsible for me failing my endocrinology exam tomorrow are:
A) Simon - for creating this hilarious blog, the reading of which is consuming all of my study time
B) Mila - for sending me the link to said blog
C) Dave S. - for telling Mila to direct me to said blog
Damn you all...
~LK
PS - Simon, you need to write for Tachy...please
God, Simon, don't you have any friends? You're not supposed to buy bamboo, you're supposed to recieve it as a gift from a friend.
God, anonymous, don't you have a name? you're supposed to receive one from your parents when you are born.
I'm just joshing you.
but I am not joshing about this: back off on the bamboo tude.
PS Would you please come and pick up the bamboo you left here last year as one stalk is dead and the other two look bad. It is cluttering my house. What does it mean with two stalks? They say that three are happiness. Are two part hapiness or what?
On another note
1. It's a shame you didn't put the same interest into mowing our lawn when you lived here, and caring for our garden, as you do to your plants. It would have saved us a lot of time in lawn mowing etc.
2. I recall that bamboo speech, wasn't it at graduation? Very amusing speech that night.
It is my understanding that lucky bamboo only begins to have special significance when in an arrangement of 3 (happiness, wealth and longevity). I guess you should have splurged on another stalk.
according to the tag on our lovely dying bamboo, 2 stalks indeed means nothing. unless you have another vase with three stalks in which case it adds up to 5 and means health. and if you add another two you would have wealth, and with another prosperity. i'm thinking you should try 5 because it might cure your weirdness.
after curing your weirdness, you might want to add on another stalk and have a go at your TB and sundry bizarre health afflictions.
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