communication is a two-way street

you know when someone extends their hand to you and you are not quite sure whether they want a handshake or if they just want you to slap them some skin?

in a moment of triumph, mila raised her arm to initiate a high-five, and so I naturally raised mine to meet it. but then mila became worried that I might have just been doing a celebratory raise the roof, so aborted the high-five and jumped right into her own raise the roof. I shrewdly noticed this and so too benched my high-five and called out the raise the roof.

that's okay, I wanted to raise the roof anyway, I don't really like high-fives.

cure for suburbia, part two

it looks like stratford might not be panning out exactly as anticipated. but do not worry about simon. I have had a backup plan all along. you may have noticed that stratford was part one of my cure for suburbia. the astute reader may have inferred that there would be, at the very least, a part two to my cure. the less astute reader probably got tired of my incessant drivel a long time ago and left to read people.com.

is there a better antidote for rural than opera and menus gastronomiques? the answer is no, that is actually the best antidote that exists. read on.

the cure for suburbia, part two is, appropriately, a two-pronged attack. it takes place in toronto, after my sojourn in stratford.

prong one: dining. I intend to stuff my face quite full of foie, deconstructed poutine and dim sum. notice my dining covers the spectrum of restaurants from white tablecloth (linen) to white tablecloth (plastic sheet). I am attacking suburbia from every side here. rural isn't going to know what hit it.

prong two: theatre. opera, to be specific. the new opera house in toronto is finally finished. I know this because I go to the construction website every day, and the construction website also sends me a newsletter. I often see the same pictures twice for that reason, but that's okay because I love construction and I love opera, so it works out that way. the COC is having a black tie gala concert to commemorate this opening, culminating in a dinner ON THE STAGE. I am not going to that, but I think that's probably best because I am highly dubious of a meal served on the stage of a theater. what if they give you plastic prop food by mistake? no, I am going to an opening concert that the COC was kind enough to put on for the hoi polloi later in the week. it's going to be a bunch of overplayed arias and ensemble pieces featuring b-list singers. a veritable pavarotti and friends, minus the big names. all the schlock, none of the stars. but that's okay because I'm just throwing down some snob here because that's how I am. I actually think it will be a pretty sweet concert and I am really looking forward to it. I am also really looking forward to seeing the opera house because as you know, I love opera and I love construction.

p.s. if you are even thinking in your head that I am some sort of philistine for writing the hoi polloi above, then the american heritage dictionary thinks you are pedantic. ohhh snap.

facial tissue issue

we buy noname facial tissue. I call them kleenex, but don't get confused, I am not referring to the brand, that is just what I, like many, call them. so we buy noname kleenex. it is surprisingly gentle on the nose. I expected killer sandpaper, but it's not that bad at all. it's no extra-lotion triple ply or anything, but at least that means I can clean my glasses with it.

I would say that standard kleenex box prints include florals, abstract geometricals, greenery and solids. these are all nice, convey the image of freshness, or at least bring a certain neutrality to your bathroom. they also make those faux-marble prints, but those are rather nouveau riche I would argue. well, noname is special. we have some of those kleenex box standards, but we also have mushrooms. one of the boxes in the noname series of kleenex boxes is decorated with mushrooms. mushrooms are a fungus. they do not convey a sense of freshness nor cleanliness. they are not particularly beautiful to look at in the bathroom. I cannot understand why this box is covered in a variety of edible fungi.

but what absolutely boggles my mind is this: there is a person somewhere who made this box. someone who came into work one morning and decided that a kleenex box decorated with mushrooms was a pretty good idea. SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAT DOWN AND DREW EVERY SINGLE MUSHROOM ON THIS BOX OF FACIAL TISSUE. unbelievable.

one day when I am rich, I will buy kleenex based on the attractiveness of the box with wanton disregard for the price. until then, mushrooms. mushrooms on a kleenex box.

hong kong styles

I really like dressing casually. as in business casually. I am my most happy in a button up shirt and some dress trousers. actually that is perhaps not true, I also really like sweaters, cardigans, blazers and pockets squares, none of which are included in the aforementioned getup.

well, imagine how excited I was to learn of a tailor from hong kong who could make me custom button up shirts for a very reasonable price. I am very particular about my shirt styles. collar (stay tuned for more on this one), cuffs, buttons, pleats, gussets, yokes, plackets, there are a lot of things that can go wrong here. it's pretty sweet that you can specify all this. also he has several hundred fabrics to choose from, so you can get pretty much whatever look you want. it gets better. you also send this fellow your measurements, some photos if you wish, maybe a shot of you in your favourite shirt. he sends you a shirt that fits pretty nicely.
this fellow's name is jantzen. well, that's the company's name I think. his name is ricky, I don't know why he called his company jantzen. but please don't go running off with this hot information and buy a million shirts, because I ordered my shirt in early april and it just came last week, so he's really quite busy.

the moral of the story is that I now sneer at ready-to-wear clothing, because I have gone bespoke. well, made-to-measure, at least.

I thought telemarketers all had B.A.'s

whenever anyone calls asking for the head of the household, mila always passes the phone to me. now I know that she does this because she recognizes who wears the pants around here (me), but a part of me is beginning to suspect that she may just be shirking her telemarketer-deflection duties.

one such call was passed off to me a couple of days ago. "I'd like to ask you a few questions about allergies" (like those even exist, but that's another post for another day). we go through the intro questions but soon get to more weighty material: "do you have carpeting?" (yes). and then she paused for a few moments. "oh! uh... um... do you own a vacuum?" did my answer somehow take her by surpise? was I giving off conflicting no-carpet vibes? SHE HAD A SCRIPT TO FOLLOW! HOW CAN A TELEMARKETER GET CONFUSED? and don't think things got any more smooth after that. it took her a good couple beats to recover from the the fact that I owned a vacuum. upright or canister? don't even go there.

why are they conducting a survey about allergies, carpets and vacuums in the first place? is hoover going to use this in their next campaign to convince carpet owners that they should probably invest in a vacuum? brilliant market research there, really top notch.

stratford update

okay they clearly didn't get my memo, I will have to resend it. we are doing a bbq and hike. sure, yay, woo that sounds like a lot of fun, but lets get serious. hikes are not my forte, and last I checked they weren't giving out michelin stars for bbq's.

goiter

we use kosher salt for all our cooking (gourmet cred, natch) and fleur de sel for all our table-side salting (see above). neither of these are iodized. does fleur de sel have enough naturally occuring iodide to sustain me? I think I need iodide drops or something.

where's the snooze button?

I was thinking to myself this morning: "won't it be nice to sleep in once exams are done?"

but I've got this email here from the doctor organizing the stratford rural week. he suggests we meet up for breakfast at 7 am. and that's in stratford - no hometown advantage. we are talking travel time.

if this is how doctors roll, I have evidently made a serious error in judgement in career choice.

growing responsibility

mila and I have three plants. one of them lives in my office. it is therefore, of course, a manly cactus. it took some time at the garden centre at home depot to finally decide on a plant suitable for a gentleman's study. clearly many leafier plants don't even bear consideration, since they would likely wilt immediately from the outrageous testosterone levels in here. one is left pretty much with cacti and ferns, I would say. and since ferns are a bit jurassic for the more modern image I am trying to convey, I was left with cacti. given that the vast majority of them give me the willies with their spikes and the remainder are far too phallic-looking for my comfort, I am sure you can appreciate how difficult it was to settle on my cactus. ANYWAY so that's cool, because cacti pretty much just sit there, so I can handle that.

plant number 2 lives in the living room. it is called an indian rubber plant, but I would say that it is only truly the latter. I live in constant fear of overwatering it.

plant number 3 lives in mila's office. it is a pink tropical plant. it seems to be flourishing so far (jealous!).

I FORGOT plant number 4. it's an herb so perhaps I didn't consider it a plant at first. it is sage. I live in fear of overwatering it too. also problems arise because you want to eat the sage, but then what if you take too much off? DOUBLE STRESS.

so really just two of the four plants are any trouble. but now take that trouble and crank it up to 11 because what is going to happen when we are away for rural week, or in toronto the week following that?

p.s. bad guys, we are not actually away, we will be in our home guarding our possessions, just fyi

cure for suburbia, part one

at the end of first year, everyone in my class is sent away to a small community in south-western ontario to get a taste of how medicine is practiced in ruralmcsmallville. clearly up my alley, right? can't wait to dig in to that one.

BUT where should I get sent but Stratford. bling bling. true, the place is simultaneously overrun by townies and infested with tourists from upstate new york who show up to the theatre in mesh leather sandals, dockers shorts and obnoxious short-sleeved dress shirts. however, it's also got its share of fine restos and it does have the theatre. so far the theatre sounds like a go. I am rather more nervous about the dining. as I said in an email recently, I am somewhat concerned that we will be stuffed into a pleather banquette at a family style restaurant where the entree comes with soup or salad and the soft drinks are bottomless.

attn stratford rural week organizers: if we could do a nice lunch at rundles, and perhaps a leisurely dinner at bijou (need time for the cheese course, you see) I would be most appreciative. also no rogers and hammerwhatever musicals, please.

desperate housesimon

so, I live in suburbia. the streets are all called sunnyside or pinebrook or, because we are talking london here, camden. they actually are all called that (there are at least 3 sunnysides: drive, crescent, road... a regular sunnyside trifecta). anyway, it's really nice out, so I was thinking how nice it will be once I am done school to go for walks, cruise around (sur bicyclette) and enjoy the weather. but then I thought some more. WHERE WILL I WALK? on twisty suburban streets that just lead to another circular suburban street that leads to yet another arching suburban street that finally spits me out onto a car-clogged arterial? I CAN'T WAIT! where are the cozy coffee shops? little green grocers? neighbourhood convenience store? local italian deli? perhaps a few boutiques? manspa?

WANTED - city, preferably smoggy WILL PICK UP!!! $$$
this is in or around Large Malls and Manicured Lawns

blogger I will sue you if I have a heart attack

okay, not to toot my own horn here, but I thought I was pretty good at the information superhighway and whatnot. however, this blogger is killing me. it took me from whenever I last posted until now just to figure out how to add another post. is it going to take me this long each time? I have already forgotten how I got to this 'new post.'

the real post:
I thought blogs were cathartic. wrong. I think my blood pressure has doubled since I jumped on this bandwagon. now I am breaking out in a sweat worrying that I made a spelling mistake, what colour my blogger bar should be, and other such things. now I am worried that I should change my blog title, but we all know that would take me a good half hour.

blogs are draining

this has been the most stressful thing I have done in a long time. some article by an author of questionable merit convinced me to get a livejournal, it was presented as what all the cool kids were doing. but then I tried that out and was getting worried because I had to pick some ghetto username because the good ones were all taken, and I was worried that would be the name of my blog, and that wouldn't do, of course. so now I'm on this 'blogger' business and I am very worried how this will affect my cred.

with that whole trainwreck behind me, blogger starts asking for blog names and templates and god knows what else. I wanted to throw up my hands and yell at it to do whatever it wanted. I don't care any more! just give me a blog! I want to write witty things like everyone else! but my microphone was turned off so I figured blogger wouldn't hear.

WHERE IS SPELL CHECK don't they know I can't spell?